O
OldRook
Guest
You know who you are fess up!
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet flush
burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you are laughing
out LOUD!
Overview:
I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.......Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking
sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of
the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "I thought we didn't want them to reproduce" I
accuse my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I actually think
she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most
loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (Again with the
sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be
a wondrous experience,"
I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my
wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too,
don't you?) We peered
at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot
would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breach," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a
gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same
results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through
the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Woman can
be so cruel to their
own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of
her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a
magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-Section?" I suggested
scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately
for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going
to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just
the way he did,
lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.
Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my
wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing but not believing that the woman
I married would
commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that...I'm picturing
you pulling on its...
its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter
once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly
bundled the
lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done DAD," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - lizards - $140 . . .
1 - Cage - $50 . . .
Trip to the Vet - $30 . . .
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's Penis - Priceless!!!!!!
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet flush
burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you are laughing
out LOUD!
Overview:
I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.......Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking
sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of
the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "I thought we didn't want them to reproduce" I
accuse my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I actually think
she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most
loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (Again with the
sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be
a wondrous experience,"
I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my
wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too,
don't you?) We peered
at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot
would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breach," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a
gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same
results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through
the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Woman can
be so cruel to their
own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of
her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a
magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-Section?" I suggested
scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately
for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going
to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just
the way he did,
lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.
Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my
wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing but not believing that the woman
I married would
commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that...I'm picturing
you pulling on its...
its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter
once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly
bundled the
lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done DAD," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - lizards - $140 . . .
1 - Cage - $50 . . .
Trip to the Vet - $30 . . .
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's Penis - Priceless!!!!!!
