Step Parenting And Religion

[slamdunk]

Ok boys and girls, extremely serious question here and please respect it's topic.
I am in a situation with my new wife that has me pondering what is right, what is wrong and where I should stand on it.
My wife has three daughters, ages 16, 8 and 5. The 16 year old is from a very short 1st marriage, the other 2 were conceived in her 2nd marriage that lasted 10 years. I am choosing to leave the name of the religious entities out as this as they should have no bearing on the issue.

The 2 younger kids are going to a private religious school per demand of their father, whom by the way chose to move away from here and return to his hometown of Pennsylvania after the divorce. He is paying for their education and demanding they be raised in that religion and at that particular school.
My wife on the other hand has chosen not to practice that religion any longer, nor forces her other daughter to practice it either. The three of us (me, my wife and the oldest daughter) have chosen to attend a nondenominational Christian church which we enjoy together, yet we also take the two little ones with us on Sunday's.
My question and concerns are-
#1- Are we causing a division amongst our "family unit" by choosing separate entities of worship?
#2- Is my wife driving a wedge between her own 3 children by not raising them equally?
#3- Is it right to give in to the demands of the biological father of the 2 younger kids whom abandoned them and chose not to keep his family together?
#4- Are we causing confusion in the two little one's whom are being taught different beliefs in school?
#5- Am I in the wrong to not want to support any of these decisions based on the feelings I have just described?

These three kids should, IN MY OPINION, all be treated equally in every entity of the current family unit, as opposed to ex fathers demands. THIS is now the "family unit", not the past.

Please help me with this and again, please be respectful of my role as a stepfather, husband and any religious entity described.

 

[travishunter3006]

Thankfully unlike adults, children are open minded and have an ability to absorb tons of information.


I'm going to assume that they are going school and will be taught very specific doctrine respectively.

Your role is to explain the difference in religion and help them make their own religious decisions.

You have been put in a really hard position. Mixed families are some of the toughest that exist. But you have a very unique opportunity to raise very knowledgeable and well rounded kids.


Good luck!

 

[slamdunk]

Thank you Travis, great insight. It definitely will give them something to consider later in life when they reach an age to make a choice.
I just really struggle seeing our three kids raised differently by the mother, when it seems she should treat them all equally as one unit and all on the same page spiritually.

 

[mntman]

I think you are doing it right by trying the ex's wish for the time being and letting the younger two experience church as a whole with the family. It won't be long and they will make a decision and say something to you or mom. Nothing wrong with having them go to two different church's for the time being. At that young of an age, they aren't getting "deep" into the religion, basically just learning some basic things about worshiping.
Understand how you feel about the ex just up and leaving them but still trying to force his will on them though. Makes no sense, if he cared that much he should have stuck around to remain a positive father figure in their lives...


Mntman

"Hunting is where you prove yourself"


Let me guess, you drive a 1 ton with oak trees for smoke stacks, 12" lift kit and 40" tires to pull a single place lawn mower trailer?

 

[smitty]

At some point in life, everyone asks the same questions about the meaning of life, religion, what have you.......these kids will do the same. They will question whatever religion they are in. I think the important thing to do is, be open to the questions, and have answers. It's vital to be grounded in something, and have clarity in what that something is.

There's a lot of things a guy could say here, but as long as your kids are being taught that there is a God, and he does care about what we are doing here, they will figure the rest out.

Good luck.

 

[elkassassin]

Hey PUNK!

It's me the Reverend bobcatbess!

RAZZIN Ya!

Kind of a Tough Situation You Got yourself in there for sure!

Them Kids will come to an Age when they'll figure it out on their own!

I never have figured it was right when somebody forces Religion down your throat of any kind!

I just can't see making/demanding Kids to go to a Certain Religious School!

I Guess them Religious Schools might be for some,but how's the kid/kids gonna know any different if it's shoved down their throats from a very young age?

See what them Chicks get you in to PUNK?

Hope it all goes Well for You!

I'm JACK-MORMON,You don't see too many people admitting to that in Utah do Ya?

Ain't nobody gonna change me!













I used to know of places worth Hiking in to for Elk & Deer!
Thanks to Illegal Bastards & the USFS not enforcing Rules you can Zing in to them Places on Wheelers now & not see a Damn thing!
But by GAWD it don't take long for them U-Tards to get there with all the Unethical BS and the New Technology!

 

[Stonefly]

I'd pretty much agree with what other have said. I would add tho. To really really do the family togetherness stuff. Take them fishing or something and start a conversation about their feelings on the topic. Dont push it one way or another, just see where it goes. Then enjoy the time together. Then try something else,... Go bowling or what ever you folks like to do.try bringing it up again and see where it goes. After a time or too of this you will know how the family feels and not just what you think. It's tough to base a decision , for ones family, when you only KNOW your opinion. You might get lucky and find it's a non issue for them or it might be huge. Dont let anyone's opinion obstruct the fun during the Family time, If it starts to change the subject and focus on family. Try to have fun doing all this. I know a bit about this. My Mom and Dad were LDS, Brother was against anything LDS and my sister is an Atheist. We always had fun with each other , mostly doing the things we all liked to do ...Hunting and Fishing

 

[slamdunk]

All great points thus far, thank you and keep them coming.
I'm not closed minded to this and definitely open to being told I am wrong with my feelings in this. I have discussed this with several clients today and they have all pointed out that my anger is not really about the religious aspect, but more at the ex husband still barking out orders on how things will be ran in what is MY family now! Upon a little self reflecting, i'd have to say they are right!
Yes I realize he is the biological father but he chose to not stay here in their lives and he did things knowing it would tear his family apart, so yes I have a huge issue with him still calling the shots on how his kids be raised! Am I wrong on that fact?
I am a divorced father of two and I realized and accepted the fact that without my presence, my kids would be raised differently than I originally hoped for and that is exactly what happened.
Now I am on this side of the fence and I feel it's in the best interest of the kids and THIS family unit to be all equal and bring us together as one, not three of us doing one thing and the two little ones doing another.......it's causing a wedge and confusion.

 

[RELH]

You did not mentioned if the absent father is paying for his two kid's education, or if the divorce decree mandates that he has a say so in their education or religion of preference. These two issues would have major bearing on what to do and not to do.

As for going to different churches, as others had said that is not a major issue with most kids. Learning certain values is more important and the family being one unit working together.

I was raised in one religion, but attended several other churches of different religions with friends that were of that religion. I was there more out of respect to the friend instead of seeking a different church for myself.

RELH

 

[txhunter58]

Does he legally have a say in what school they go to?? If not, are you accepting the school as a compromise for him footing the bill? If the answer is no to the first question, I would pull those two out of "his" school and figure out how to pay for their education yourself

So, no I don't think a absent dad gets a say in how they are raised religiously. If your wife has custody, she gets to say where they go to school. If he wants to come pick them up every other Sunday and take them to his church, fine, otherwise he should not be calling the shots.

What they learn as religious prinicles when they are very young will stick with them for a very long time. If you and your wife don't agree with what they are being taught, now is the time to put your foot down.

txhunter58

venor, ergo sum (I hunt, therefore I am)

 

[mntman]

LAST EDITED ON Oct-31-13 AT 11:12PM (MST)[p]>All great points thus far, thank
>you and keep them coming.
>
>I'm not closed minded to this
>and definitely open to being
>told I am wrong with
>my feelings in this. I
>have discussed this with several
>clients today and they have
>all pointed out that my
>anger is not really about
>the religious aspect, but more
>at the ex husband still
>barking out orders on how
>things will be ran in
>what is MY family now!
>Upon a little self reflecting,
>i'd have to say they
>are right!
>Yes I realize he is the
>biological father but he chose
>to not stay here in
>their lives and he did
>things knowing it would tear
>his family apart, so yes
>I have a huge issue
>with him still calling the
>shots on how his kids
>be raised! Am I wrong
>on that fact?
>I am a divorced father of
>two and I realized and
>accepted the fact that without
>my presence, my kids would
>be raised differently than I
>originally hoped for and that
>is exactly what happened.
>Now I am on this side
>of the fence and I
>feel it's in the best
>interest of the kids and
>THIS family unit to be
>all equal and bring us
>together as one, not three
>of us doing one thing
>and the two little ones
>doing another.......it's causing a wedge
>and confusion.
>
I am on both sides of the fence you are looking at...

I am recently divorced and have kids. However with that being said, I am still in my kids lives (50% of the time). I go to their school on my "off" days, like today to have lunch with them and go to their school parties. If my ex's new F**k buddy tried pushing something on my kids that I didn't agree with, I'd hear about it and blow a gasket. He is not their father, I am.

Again, completely different situation but just try to remember no matter what he is still their dad too...

I am also on the same side of fence as you; one of my daughters is actually my prior step-daughter (never adopted). I have been her dad since she was 3 (now 14). I had to fight to be in her life after the divorce but was awarded by the courts to be the psychological father and get to see her the same as the other two girls.
Her biological dad hasn't been in her life (long story) but since the divorce I have gotten my daughter and him back in contact to re-establish a relationship. Granted he isn't forcing his opinion on things but it is A LOT better for all party's if you try to work things out instead of creating a battle field with the kids being the prize...

You are definitely in a tough situation; just remember the kids will make their own decision, no need to "sway" them. Just put a smile on their face, you will then also have a smile and it will all work out in the end...


Mntman

"Hunting is where you prove yourself"


Let me guess, you drive a 1 ton with oak trees for smoke stacks, 12" lift kit and 40" tires to pull a single place lawn mower trailer?

 

[slamdunk]

It has been a very grueling situation to say the least.
They say being a parent is the toughest job in the world......I say no it's not, being a step parent is.

The ex DOES pay for the private education and it is in the decree by way of his demand, therefore she MUST abide by the decree at this point. Now, if she ever does go for a modification of decree, NO judge will enforce a certain religion and she WILL win.

My biggest issue with this is how the ex has so much power that he can drive a wedge between the family he no longer has.....it's not right!

 

[nickman]

Well.....I am the product of BOTH sides of this issue.

My parents split up when I was 5 and the wars lasted until I graduated from high school. I grew up hating the conflict and 60 years later, still bear some resentment in the way I was raised.

I am also the parent of a child from my first marriage and a step parent of my current wife's kids.

In MY OPINION.....You must NEVER force any issues regarding religion. There are always going to be differences of opinion, but hopefully, the kids will learn to think for themselves and when that happens, you don't want to have been too aggressive with your personal point of view.

Share as much as is possible, giving everyone the experience of different concepts and ideas......just don't PUSH your own agenda.

My comments are addressed at the RELIGION issue only. Other (step) parental problems are a WHOLE other issue.......in which you seriously DON'T want my advice!

"If you get upset or offended by ANY website forum
post.....especially mine, you need serious
intervention!"

 

[mulecreek]

Slam,

Just the fact that you are thinking about this issue shows that you are a thoughtful, active parent. That's a great base.

#1 Only you and your wife can determine if you are causing a division in your family. My personal thought would be, no you are not. I believe the teachings of religion are the most important part not the entity that is worshipped. Since most mainstream US religions have similar teaching, the whole ten commandments are pretty common, I think you are setting the right base for raising a thoughtful, respectful and caring child.

#2 No she is not. In my opinion she is teaching them that open mindedness is a good quality to have.

#3 Yes, you should be respectful of the biological fathers wishes as long as it is not causing harm to the child. If he wants to be a slug of a dad let him just don't feed it.

#4 Doubtful. Kids are more perceptive than we give them credit for. Also, are the beliefs that much different? I was raised Lutheran. Which is really just Catholic light. I was raised in Utah and spent time in the Mormon church with my friends. I went to college in Missouri and was exposed to the Church of Christ and Baptists. The basic belief systems seemed to be very similar to me just different styles and paths to get to the same point.

#5 Another one that only you can answer. My thoughts are shared above. In final I would say let your conscience be your guide. If you can sleep well at night with your decisions then I don't think you made a bad one.

 

[Tristate]

1. No yall are not causing a division. But a division had occurred before you ever entered the picture that you yourself will not be able to bring together.

2. Who knows. Kids are funny little beings that develop bonds in strange ways. There is no definite answer with this one. Two kids can define their entire childhood over a fight for a PBJ sandwich but overlook the damage of a parent is a monster. None of it is predictable.

3. You have to quit looking at this situation as a "right and wrong" dilemma. Make decisions on what is best for the family unit you are involved with right now and quit worrying about the will of outside forces.

4. Maybe, maybe not. Each child will handle this situation differently.

5. Again don't worry about right or wrong. Rule your family as you see fit.

Good luck I hope everything turns out the best for all parties involved within your family.

 

[Phantom Hunter]

Slam,

Just open the Bible and let God teach them what is right and wrong and "how to do religion". That way they can make their own decision on which "church" to attend when they are of age.

 

[slamdunk]

Again, all great comments and feedback, thank you all!
So if I can learn to just focus on the inside entity of this family and not focus on the outside influence forcing the situation, how can I go support my step kids in something I want no part of?
I am not even remotely interested in attending "their church" for activities or any other function or duty they will undoubtedly be assigned to do in the future.
My wife feels like she has to go to support them and our oldest child wants nothing to do with it either, how do we support it and why are we supporting something that only the bio father wants? These kids know of no other school or religion's existence, therefore they have been given no choices.
very very frustrating!!!!

 

[elkassassin]

Hey PUNK?

At what age did you say you were gonna be done Parenting?

Hope it all works out!










I used to know of places worth Hiking in to for Elk & Deer!
Thanks to Illegal Bastards & the USFS not enforcing Rules you can Zing in to them Places on Wheelers now & not see a Damn thing!
But by GAWD it don't take long for them U-Tards to get there with all the Unethical BS and the New Technology!

 

[Wiszard]

I have a step daughter who is now 22. I got together with her Mom when she was almost 3 years old. Her Dad joined the military right after we got married and has not been a good Dad to her. When we realized that he was a douchebag of a father, we never gave him one ounce of "parenting rights". If a father abandons his child, he has given up the right to parent. The sad thing is that he doesn't give a sh!t. My step daughter is my daughter and I am her Dad. I was the one that raised her as my own. Her father will not have the pleasure of walking her down the aisle or be the first to hold the grandbabies...I'll be the grampa doing that. And the minute he tries to step back into the picture to be Dad, I'll be stepping in with a right hand to put him back into his place...and my daughter agrees with me. How can you abandon your child? Slam- I wouldn't give that guy any say so on how his children are raised.

Too many tags= unhappy wife

 

[elkassassin]

JUDAS Wisz!

Easy with the Tough Talk!

You might have another Daughter one of these days!

I don't want you talking about me like that!










I used to know of places worth Hiking in to for Elk & Deer!
Thanks to Illegal Bastards & the USFS not enforcing Rules you can Zing in to them Places on Wheelers now & not see a Damn thing!
But by GAWD it don't take long for them U-Tards to get there with all the Unethical BS and the New Technology!

 

[Wiszard]

Keep dreamin', BESS! I told you, she only likes the smart ones.

Too many tags= unhappy wife

 

[slamdunk]

Wiz, that is EXACTLY how I feel!!
Problem is I have a wife who for whatever reason still has some compassion for his role in their life and lets him still control OUR situation.
In a nutshell, I suppose I am fighting them both!

 

[txhunter58]

Your wife is really the one that is stopping movement on this issue. She doesn't want to rock the boat with her ex and I can understand that. I supsect she thinks that someday he might come back in to their lives (and that could be a good thing or a bad thing). Anyway, stop fixating on her ex because any work to be done (or not done) rests with your wife. It will put a strain on your relationship if you persue this, so know that going in. Whether or not it is worth it remains to be seen

That said, have you read the divorce decree? I am not a lawyer, but I find it hard to believe that a judge allowed the ex that much sayso in the childrens school choices (what if you and your wife move?). What I suspect is that the decree states that he is responsible for PAYING for their schooling but doesn't give him carte blanche control over where they go (what if he wanted to send them to a private school out of state from you and where he lives?). I think your wife may not be telling you the whole story (or maybe she has been confused) but I would think you might want to read the decree and see what it says (if that doesn't cause too much of a rift with you and your wife).

There is no right or wrong here. I have compromised some of my beliefs on how to raise two stepsons because ultimately my wife (any wife) would choose them over me if it came down to that and I can't force her to do anything. My relationship with her is my primary duty. My responsibilities to my stepsons arrises from that relationship and must flow though her. I can only persuade and suggest where they are concerned. Any true change for her kids rests with her, not me (you).

txhunter58

venor, ergo sum (I hunt, therefore I am)

 

[slamdunk]

Thank you txhunter, you definitely understand where I am coming from. In the decree it clearly states the children WILL enrolled in the private religious education system, no matter where we reside in the future. It also states that every attempt will be made by custodial parent (my wife) to reside close to that type of school in the event we move to a new location. I argued with her on agreeing to that because It dictates where we live by HIS command....totally not right!! But unfortunately, she got tired of fighting him and the divorce proceedings took two years, so she gave in. And just as I predicted.......it's biting us in the butt by controlling our lives the way HE wants.
My wife actually is not fighting the private school part of it, but she doesn't want her kids raised in that particular religion......what gives?

 

[Cam@strawberry]

Hey slam, not to get religious on ya, but pulling something from the LDS faith that is pertinent to your situation.

J. Smith said 'I teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves'.

I think you should sit down with all of them and have a frank discussion explaining the importance of the things that you are worried bout.

Personally I have always thought that children understand far more than we give them credit for. I think helping them to understand that neither you and your wife nor their father may be 'right' in this situation, and that it is up to them to determine, after they have gained a sufficient knowledge to govern themselves, what is right and wrong is the best option here. Teach them correct principles, make sure they know that the family is important, that you love and respect them, and that they can make decisions on their own. then let them govern themselves. If you have done your job well, then they will make the proper decisions.

Just my .02 on the subject.

https://www.facebook.com/strawberrybayoutfitters

 

[slamdunk]

I agree with you 100% berry, but that is something that will take place in their futures, this problem is in the now.
As it sits right now, my family has a division and unfortunately the two little girls are only 8 and 5 and will do whatever they are told......"choice" is not a choice at that age.
As parents we are to be setting examples and lead by them.....in this situation we are sending them one direction while we go in another.

 

[Gator]

If the EX really was worried about those kids he would being more active in their schooling (honors class and such) hobbies, sports, ect, this religion thing is just a control thing that he can get away with and can use to still push your and hers buttons. IMHO

Have a MM member back east go by and B!tch slap him.
No don't that it too violate. But it ok to think it.

"I have found if you go the extra mile it's Never crowded".
>[Font][Font color = "green"]Life member of
>the MM green signature club.[font/]

 

[slamdunk]

"If the EX really was worried about those kids he would being more active in their schooling (honors class and such) hobbies, sports, ect, this religion thing is just a control thing that he can get away with and can use to still push your and hers buttons. IMHO"

BINGO!!!!!!

 

[YELUM]

I have been thinking about this since posted, and tx nailed it.

Yelum

Theres logic, and theres women. They don't go together.

 

[slamdunk]

I picked up the 8 year old from school yesterday and she started expressing her feelings and concerns about this. She clearly stated two things...
#1 "My dad wants me to be a (certain religion)
#2 "but I want to be the same as my family here, and I just get confused going to two churches"

She obviously is feeling pressure from her father who lives 2000 miles away in Pennsylvania and doesn't want to disappoint him, yet she wants to have family unity here.
At 8 years old, should her choices and concerns be warranted, or do we let the father who doesn't even live with them dictate what he wants them to be??
My wife last night stated she doesn't want them raised in the religion her ex wants them in.
A battle will be fought, but knowing my wife, she will cave in and give the ex his way and everyone loses here.

 

[eelgrass]

I'm a little bit confused and perplexed. When you signed the contract we told you that a 350 bull would be tops for this unit. We've showed you several 350 bulls but now you want a 400 bull?

You can either shoot a 350 bull or go home empty handed.

Eel

 

[slamdunk]

>I'm a little bit confused and
>perplexed. When you signed the
>contract we told you that
>a 350 bull would be
>tops for this unit. We've
>showed you several 350 bulls
>but now you want a
>400 bull?
>
>You can either shoot a 350
>bull or go home empty
>handed.
>
>Eel

LMAO......guess your trying to get me to understand my own language!