nochawk
Moderator
- Messages
- 2,979
> >
> > 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who
> >died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in
> >his car."
> > --Author Unknown
> >
> > 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and
> >you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
> > "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
> > --Author Unknown
> >
> > 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
> > There's a support group for that.
> > It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
> > --Drew Carey
> >
> > 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
> >not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
> >with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
> > --Jeff Foxworthy
> >
> > 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
> >and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
> >without even considering if there is a man on base."
> > --Dave Barry
> >
> > 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,
> >and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
> >to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
> >severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find
> >you a temp."
> > --Bob Ettinger
> >
> > 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
> >took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they
> >weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
> > --Paula Poundstone
> >
> > 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
> >better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
> >that study: "Duh."
> > --Conan O'Brien
> >
> > 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
> >halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be
> >eating a slow learner."
> > --Lynda Montgomery
> >
> > 10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
> >people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty,
> >but it just isn't cold enough.
> > Let's go west.'"
> > --Richard Jeni
> >
> > 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
> >impersonators would be dead."
> > --Johnny Carson
> >
> > 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
> >geography."
> > --Paul Rodriguez
> >
> > 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
> > but they turned sixty and that's the law."
> > --Jerry Seinfeld
> >
> > 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that
> >in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from
> >smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
> > What, do tall people burn slower?"
> > --Warren Hutcherson
> >
> > 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
> > Monogamy is the same."
> > --Oscar Wilde
> >
> > 16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
> >member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."
> > --Mark Twain
> >
> > 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
> >student.
> > At least they can find Afghanistan ."
> > --A. Whitney Brown
> >
> > 18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
> > and the dog will give you a look that says,
> > 'My God, you're right!
> > I never would've thought of that!'"
> > --Dave Barry
> >
> > 19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
> > Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
> > --Unknown, presumed deceased
> >
> > 20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.
> > I believe I'll have another beer."
> > - W. C. Fields
> >
> >
>
>
> > 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who
> >died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in
> >his car."
> > --Author Unknown
> >
> > 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and
> >you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
> > "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
> > --Author Unknown
> >
> > 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
> > There's a support group for that.
> > It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
> > --Drew Carey
> >
> > 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
> >not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
> >with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
> > --Jeff Foxworthy
> >
> > 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
> >and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
> >without even considering if there is a man on base."
> > --Dave Barry
> >
> > 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,
> >and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
> >to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
> >severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find
> >you a temp."
> > --Bob Ettinger
> >
> > 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
> >took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they
> >weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
> > --Paula Poundstone
> >
> > 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
> >better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
> >that study: "Duh."
> > --Conan O'Brien
> >
> > 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
> >halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be
> >eating a slow learner."
> > --Lynda Montgomery
> >
> > 10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
> >people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty,
> >but it just isn't cold enough.
> > Let's go west.'"
> > --Richard Jeni
> >
> > 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
> >impersonators would be dead."
> > --Johnny Carson
> >
> > 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
> >geography."
> > --Paul Rodriguez
> >
> > 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
> > but they turned sixty and that's the law."
> > --Jerry Seinfeld
> >
> > 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that
> >in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from
> >smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
> > What, do tall people burn slower?"
> > --Warren Hutcherson
> >
> > 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
> > Monogamy is the same."
> > --Oscar Wilde
> >
> > 16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
> >member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."
> > --Mark Twain
> >
> > 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
> >student.
> > At least they can find Afghanistan ."
> > --A. Whitney Brown
> >
> > 18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
> > and the dog will give you a look that says,
> > 'My God, you're right!
> > I never would've thought of that!'"
> > --Dave Barry
> >
> > 19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
> > Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
> > --Unknown, presumed deceased
> >
> > 20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.
> > I believe I'll have another beer."
> > - W. C. Fields
> >
> >
>
>
