misc.

1911 · Jan 24, 2013

A fat girl served me in Mcdonald's today at lunch time. When she gave me my food she said 'sorry about the wait.' I told her, 'don't worry you'll find a way to lose it eventually.'

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance with a face like that.'

An Irish boy was sobbing at the loss of a dear family member. A neighbor seeing this approach the young lad and asked if he wanted him to send father O'reily over. The boy replied no thanks, sex is the last thing on my mind right now.

In America it is said that an apple a day will keep the doctor away. In the middle east they use bacon sandwiches.

Japanese scientists have developed a new camera with a shutter speed so fast it can capture a picture of a woman with her mouth shut.

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair. Fiji was the correct answer. Hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country.

nfh · Jan 24, 2013

Good one. LOL

fireball77 · Jan 24, 2013

OH BOY !!! here we go ;-)

LESGO54 · Jan 25, 2013

lmao @ 45

AZStickman · Jan 25, 2013

Man in hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles

"Are my testicles black?"

Nurse raises his gown, holds his ##### in one hand and his balls in the other.

She takes a close look and says ...

"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly .....

"Thanks for that, it was lovely, but, listen very very carefully.

Are - my - test - -re - sults - back ?"

AZStickman · Jan 25, 2013

Monroe and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Monroe would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Monroe, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Monroe and Martha went to the fair and Monroe said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Monroe, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Monroe and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Monroe, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Monroe replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

AZStickman · Jan 25, 2013

Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my #####? Never mind, its too long."
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my #####? Never mind, you won't get it."

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: Why did the snowman smile?
A: Because the snowblower is coming.

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because their plugged into a genius!

Q: What do you call an afghan virgin
A: Mever bin laid on

Q: What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?
A: E.T. eventually went home!

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something

Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?
A: A virgin.

Q: Whats the difference between the LSU football team and a LSU cheerleader?
A: There isn't one they both suck for four quarters.

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q: What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
A: Their last big hit was "The Wall"

Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.

Q: Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

BuckSnort · Jan 25, 2013

Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.

LMAO

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