Let's hear your best outdoor jokes.

[brokenwind]

To pass the time until the hunting season rolls around, lets hear some of your best outdoor jokes.

I'll go first.


Two buddies are out hunting. They decide to go separate ways and meet back at camp later in the day. One guy walked a short distance and then started feeling his insides doing flips. He could tell something wasn't right, so he hurry and dropped trou and sat over a log and had a massive diarrhea attack. It kept hitting him over and over. After about a half hour of this, and still not feeling well, he was exhausted and dosed off to sleep still sitting on the log.

Meanwhile, his buddy shot a nice buck and then realized he had left his knife in camp. He decides to drag the buck back and then gut it. As he nears camp, he sees his buddy passed out on the log, his knife sitting on his belt. He figures there is no need to drag any more weight then necessary, so he borrows his buddies knife and guts the deer. His friend was so exhausted, he never even stirred from his sleep. Well, he finishes dressing the deer, and as he is about to leave, he decides to play a joke on his friend. He takes the deer guts and places them on the crap pile directly under his friend. He then drags the deer back to camp to relax.

He is sitting around camp a couple hours later, when his buddy comes walking back looking sicker then ever. He asks, "man, what's wrong with you?" His buddy replies, "man something is not right, I got so sick, I crapped my guts out, but with a lot of effort and the help of a stick, I got them all back in."

 

[cjboz]

This is an Texas A&M AGGIE Joke....

two buddy go out hunting opening morning of deer season. They park the pickup and decide to make a sweep along a real brushy draw. They start out up the draw on either side of it hoping to push a deer out or to each other. One of the guys sees a rumble in the bushes and shoots at it. He runs over there to find his buddy shot. He loads him in the pick up and hauls ass to the hospital. When he gets there they rush him inside. About an hour later the Doc comes out. The concerned friend asks the Doc "Is he going to be Okay?" The doctor looks at him and says "He would have been fine if you wouldn't have gutted him"

 

[ohiohntr]

That reminds me of the 911 call.

911- What's your emergency?

caller- You got to help me. My buddy and I were hunting and I accidentally shot and killed him.

911- Calm down, first let's make sure if he is dead or not.

silence and then a gunshot.

caller- Allright, now what?

 

[stanley]

Good one ohiohntr (and others!!)!

Here's an OLD one that I'm sure many have heard!!!!! Goes something like this;

A guy takes a NOVICE buddy of his out for his first deer hunt. They separate and the novice gets a little lost. While out there trying to find his way back, he remembers some old advice that he had gotten that stated something like "if you are lost and want to get someone's attention, just shoot three times into the air, and we'll know you're in trouble. We'll come find you!".

Well, the guy starts getting really nervous. He shoots three times in the air. Nobody comes in an hour or so, so he shoots three more times into the air. Still nothing, and he ends-up spending the night alone in the forest.

The next morning, his buddy finally finds him. When his buddy asks why he didn't signal the prior evening so he could find him, the novice replies; "I would have, but I ran out of arrows..." :7 :7

I'm sure I butchered it, but I think you all get the point! ;-)

S.

 

[deerbedead]

An old trapper comes walking into the rendezvous bow legged and in obvious pain. Another old trapper asks him what happened.

Well, I just set a big bear trap and was packing up my tools when I got the urge to take a crap. I hurried and squatted down and pinched off a loaf and when it hit the ground the bear trap sprang out of the ground and clamped down on my nuts!

Holy buffalo chit! That must have hurt!

It hurt alright, but not near as bad as it did when I hit the end of the drag chain!

 

[CAforkedhorn]

LAST EDITED ON Jun-16-09 AT 01:47PM (MST)[p]Okay I got one!


There's a salmon swimming in a stream and he looks up and sees a fly flying over the water. He says Wow if that fly drops down, I can jump up and get me a little snack. So there's a bear at the edge of that stream and he say Hey if that fly drops and that salmon jumps up to get that fly, I can reach out and grab that salmon. Well there's a hunter who's watching all of this and he says Well if that fly drops and that salmon jumps up and that bear reaches for that salmon, I will have a good shot at that bear. Now there's a mouse who figures if that fly drops and that salmon jumps up and that bear reaches out and that hunter shoots the bear, he can grab the hunter's cheese sandwich. And finally, there's a cat. He thinks hey, if that fly drops and that salmon jumps up and that bear reaches out and that hunter shoots that bear, and the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich, I can jump out and grab the mouse.
Soooooooo........... The fly drops down, the salmon jumps up and grabs the fly, and the bear reaches out to grab the salmon and the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse steals the hunter's cheese sandwich and the cat jumps out to grab the mouse but misses and lands in the stream.
Soooooooo........... What's the moral of the story? When the fly drops the ***** gets wet!



Piper, how's your period?

Zigga, it's past your bedtime!

Hdude, Jose needs a yob!

 

[NVPete]

A rookie game warden posted to a remote Louisiana swamplands wanted to learn quickly all the best fishin' holes, so he could have a good idea of where to catch violators, so he asked if ol' Cajun Joe the local swamp expert would take him along on one of his forays out into the swamp. While they were out,they were to do a little fishing, but hours passed,and having used just about every lure or bait in their tackle boxes, they hadn't even had as much as a nibble. Finally, the warden remarked "Shucks, Joe, you're supposed to be the expert, here, and we've been skunked for hours, what gives?" Cajun Joe then, without saying a word, pulled out his special tackle box, opened it, lit a stick of dynamite, and cast it into the water. After the explosion and resulting water spray, there were dozens of fish to be had! The shocked warden exclaimed " Why ,Joe, you can't fish that way, it's illegal!" The old cajun calmly lit another stick, handed it to the warden and said,"Now,warden, are you gonna talk or are you gonna fish?!!"

 

[TheFever]

What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?

.....


.....


Answer: Fur Traders



>>>---->
For the love of the game

 

[Rackcrawler]

A California highway patrolman dreamed all his life of retiring and moving to Alaska, build a hunting cabin and live off the land.
After retirement his dream came true. He spent six months living off the beaten path, building his log cabin without even one visitor.
A few months after completion, he sitting on his porch watching the view and a guy walks up his driveway. The stranger says he's his closest neighbor and just lives 40 miles up the road and invited him to a party at his house on Saturday night.
The stranger says I gotta warn you though there's going to be some drinkin'.
The ex cop say's good it's been 9 months since my last beer I could put a few away.
Then the neighbor says: Probably be some fightin'.
The ex cop says: that's Ok I'm ex Law enforcement, I can handle myself.
Then the neighbor says: One last thing there's probably going to be a lot of sex.
The ex cop says- Now you're talking it's been 9 month's I'm about ready for anything. So there's going to be some Fightin', drinkin" and sex- I'll be there!
Is there anything I can bring and what should I wear.
The neighbor says- Oh it doesn't matter, it's just going to be you and me.





Tom
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 

[Hunting_Oregon]

i heard this a long time ago and I do not remember if i have it exactly but i believe it is close to the original.


There were a pen of bulls at the ranch. when they noticed that they were trailering in a new bull. The biggest bull said "I have 100 cows and I'm not going to give up any." the second biggest one said "i have 75 cows and I'm not going to share any either." then the third one piped in and said "i have 50 cows and I'm not sharing either." then they went on down the line till all the cows were taken. well the cattle truck show up and it is just a rocking and swaying, there is a huge amount of noise coming from inside the trailer. the bulls look at each other and the biggest bull says "well i guess i could give up 35 cows." the second one said " i can give up 20 cows" and so on down the line... when all of a sudden the smallest bull in the group starts bucking and kicking, belloring.. the biggest bull says " what the hell are you doing? your going to get yourself hurt." the little bull says "I'm making sure he knows I'm a bull"

"Life's tough... It's even tougher if you're stupid."
- John Wayne

 

[BigFly]

One day, Grandpa and his young grandson Stevie went out to the lake to spend the day fishing. After getting the boat and both their fishing rigs in the water, Grandpa decides to have a cigar. Inquisitive Stevie asks, "Grandpa, what's that"?
Grandpa says, "Why, its a cigar Stevie"
"Can I have one too Grandpa?" Stevie asks
"Well...can your pee pee touch your pooper" replies Grandpa.
Completely embarrassed, Stevies replies,"Aww gee Grandpa....no"
"Well I'm afraid you're just too little to have a cigar, young man" states Grandpa.
"Oh...alright Grandpa....sheesh!" says Stevie
As the day wore on Stevie started getting hungry and asked Grandpa for lunch. Grandpa reached into his cooler and grabbed a couple of sandwiches and a soda pop for Stevie. When he reached back into the cooler for his drink, he pulled out a nice cold beer.
"What's that Grandpa?", Stevie asked
"This is an ice cold beer, boy" replied Grandpa
Stevie tried again, "Well, can I have one?"
"Well...can your pee pee touch your pooper" replied Grandpa.
"Geez Grandpa....naw" Stevie replied sagging his head.
"Well I guess you're just too little yet to have a beer" says Grandpa in a stern voice.
" Aw gee whiz Grandpa" says an upset little Stevie

Finally, the time had come to load up the boat and head home. Stevie helped his Grandpa put all the gear in the truck and opened the ice chest one last time to make sure the fish in there were okay. The two great fisherman were heading down the hill from the lake when Grandpa decided to stop at the General Store in the little town below.
When they arrived at the store, Grandpa told Stevie to go pick out an ice cream. Stevie picked through the popcicle case and found the biggest, most colorful popcicle he could.
"How bout this one, Grandpa?" asked Stevie
"That's perfect' replied Grandpa
When Grandpa arrived at the cashier, he noticed the rolls of "SCRATCH-N-WIN" lottery tickets behind the counter.
"I'll take two of those tickets you got there also" stated Grandpa
Grandpa gave one of the tickets to the young lad and instructed him, "scratch off the silver and see if you won, Stevie"
Grandpa scratched his ticket and found the typical...
"Sorry, please try again" phrase.
"Whaddaya got there Stevie" asked Grandpa
Stevie replies, "What does 5-0-0-0 mean?"
"What? $5000? Did you say $5000 Stevie?" exclaimed Grandpa
"Five-zero-zero-zero Grandpa" said Stevie
Grandpa couldn't believe his ears. $5000.00. Wow! That could buy him that new boat motor he always wanted, and have enought to get some gear to outfit his boat as well.

"Let me see the ticket Stevie" ordered Grandpa
Stevie looks at the ticket and then looks at Grandpa and asks "Can your pee pee touch your pooper, Grandpa?"
With a shocked look on his face, Grandpa put his chest out and his chin up and replies, "Why, yes it can my boy"
Stevie grins at his Grandpa and says........
"GOOD...Then go F**K yourself!"






Bigfly

 

[30inchbuck]

Grampa took his grandchild out fishing. When the kid would put a worm on his hook he noticed the kid would take this bottle and put a small drop of liquid on the worm and the worm would straighten out stiff so it was easy to thread the worm on the hook. After him doing this 2 or 3 times, grampa tried it and sure enough made the worm easy to thread on.

Well later on that day heading home grampa said sonny if you let me borrow that bottle of stuff and it does what i think it will do you will have a brand new bike in your garage when you get home from school. So the kid hands him the bottle.

kid comes home from school and looks in the garage. Not only is a brand new bike but a brand new motorcycle as well. He calls up grampa and ask about the motorcycle. Grampa explains to him that the bike is from him and the motorcylce is from his Grandma.