larrbo
Very Active Member
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HILLARY SPEAKS THE TRUTH
Hello, I'm Hillary Clinton, and I'd like to tell you about my experiences on D-Day.
Unfortunately, I was not able to go ashore in the first wave. Had I been, there probably would not have been a need for a second wave.
Instead, I was held behind because General Eisenhower was unsure how to run the Normandy Invasion and he needed to ask me some questions. Fortunately, I saved the day, but I learned then that when the going gets tough, you can't count on a Republican.
When I came ashore, the man whose job it was to drive the landing craft got seasick and I had to take over. As we approached the beach, under withering German fire, I noticed that a seabird, I believe it was a Farragut's tern, had become covered in oil and was floundering in the water.
While steering the landing craft with my feet, and calming the nerves of the soldiers around me, I scooped the bird from the water and began cleaning its plumage. I also shouted to a nearby officer to take notes as I outlined a petroleum-hazard remediation plan for that stretch of beach.
As we neared the shore, I noticed that, contrary to my inclusion- awareness plan, there were more Jewish soldiers on one side of the craft than the other. I immediately gave orders to redistribute these soldiers and explained to all aboard the importance of respecting one another and seeing the strength in our diversity.
Because if there was anything that was going to stop the Republicans, er, I mean, the Nazis, it was going to be our diversity.
No matter what Harry Truman thought about atomic bombs.
When the landing craft hit the beach and the big front door opened, most of the men started crying and called for me to save them. I understood their fear. Stress is crippling when you face it the first time.
I learned that when I quarterbacked the 1939 Notre Dame national championship football team. We were ahead by four and UCLA was coming down the field to score against us and I told Knute Rockne to put me in. He said he couldn't have his quarterback play defense, but I told him I was born to go both ways. Naturally, I picked off a pass and ran it back for the insurance touchdown.
As I ran off the landing craft I shouted "Win one for the Gipper", knowing that, if they were cowardly, they had to be Republicans.
The enemy fire was significant, but I continued to advance until all the Germans were gone, I think I took out several pillboxes, and finally, when we'd won, I led a few men to the top of Mount Suribachi where we put up a flag.
This was before I cured polio.
And gave a little speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.
I mention these things not to boast, but to show that I am ready to be your commander in chief on Day One.
I demonstrated the first time I won American Idol? that I can stand up under pressure and that my song selection is second to none. When I was teaching Bill Gates how to write code, and showing Warren Buffet how to get to Margueritaville, I demonstrated my concern for the disadvantaged. I showed that I can lead and teach.
Just as I did when I invented the popular reading program Hooked On Phonics.
Or told Dave from Wendy's he ought to try square burgers.
I realize that I have not risen to prominence in the conventional manner. I have not demonstrated any particular personal ability, I just happen to be married to a former president and that got me a job some several years ago as a spokeswoman for the Isuzu company.
Yeah, that's the ticket.
Some have suggested that I have exaggerated my resume, that I don't always tell the exact truth.
Those people are the spawn of Satan. They torture puppies and litter and their middle name is Hussein. They criticize me because they are sexist pigs who hate women. If I wasn't a woman, this wouldn't be happening to me.
And, at my age, you know what I'm NOT talking about.
Back in 'Nam, when we were fighting Charlie, and my opponent was learning how to make suicide vests at his Muslim school, I dreamed of a day when I could provide health care and day care for the whole country. A day when the daughter of extremely wealthy Republicans from Chicago could be the Democratic first lady of Arkansas, on the way to Washington, on the way to New York, on the way back to Washington.
I dreamed of the day when someone like me yes, a woman, would finally be free to stand before America and say: Look at him, he's black!
Kind of.
Fellow Democrats, I want to be your candidate. I want to be the one who asks John McCain the hard questions.
Like: John McCain, what's that bump growing out of the side your head?
Or: John McCain, why do you let your wife hog all the family's plastic surgery budget?
Or: John McCain, if you were really a prisoner of war in Paris Hilton, why don't I remember you?
As I said shortly after performing the first heart transplant, I was born to lead.
At least, that's what the wise men said when they brought me gold, frankincense and myrrh.
I'm Hillary Clinton, and I approve this message.
And I want to ask for you vote, and remind you that we live in a world where people should not be held back by who they are or what color they are.
Hello, I'm Hillary Clinton, and I'd like to tell you about my experiences on D-Day.
Unfortunately, I was not able to go ashore in the first wave. Had I been, there probably would not have been a need for a second wave.
Instead, I was held behind because General Eisenhower was unsure how to run the Normandy Invasion and he needed to ask me some questions. Fortunately, I saved the day, but I learned then that when the going gets tough, you can't count on a Republican.
When I came ashore, the man whose job it was to drive the landing craft got seasick and I had to take over. As we approached the beach, under withering German fire, I noticed that a seabird, I believe it was a Farragut's tern, had become covered in oil and was floundering in the water.
While steering the landing craft with my feet, and calming the nerves of the soldiers around me, I scooped the bird from the water and began cleaning its plumage. I also shouted to a nearby officer to take notes as I outlined a petroleum-hazard remediation plan for that stretch of beach.
As we neared the shore, I noticed that, contrary to my inclusion- awareness plan, there were more Jewish soldiers on one side of the craft than the other. I immediately gave orders to redistribute these soldiers and explained to all aboard the importance of respecting one another and seeing the strength in our diversity.
Because if there was anything that was going to stop the Republicans, er, I mean, the Nazis, it was going to be our diversity.
No matter what Harry Truman thought about atomic bombs.
When the landing craft hit the beach and the big front door opened, most of the men started crying and called for me to save them. I understood their fear. Stress is crippling when you face it the first time.
I learned that when I quarterbacked the 1939 Notre Dame national championship football team. We were ahead by four and UCLA was coming down the field to score against us and I told Knute Rockne to put me in. He said he couldn't have his quarterback play defense, but I told him I was born to go both ways. Naturally, I picked off a pass and ran it back for the insurance touchdown.
As I ran off the landing craft I shouted "Win one for the Gipper", knowing that, if they were cowardly, they had to be Republicans.
The enemy fire was significant, but I continued to advance until all the Germans were gone, I think I took out several pillboxes, and finally, when we'd won, I led a few men to the top of Mount Suribachi where we put up a flag.
This was before I cured polio.
And gave a little speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.
I mention these things not to boast, but to show that I am ready to be your commander in chief on Day One.
I demonstrated the first time I won American Idol? that I can stand up under pressure and that my song selection is second to none. When I was teaching Bill Gates how to write code, and showing Warren Buffet how to get to Margueritaville, I demonstrated my concern for the disadvantaged. I showed that I can lead and teach.
Just as I did when I invented the popular reading program Hooked On Phonics.
Or told Dave from Wendy's he ought to try square burgers.
I realize that I have not risen to prominence in the conventional manner. I have not demonstrated any particular personal ability, I just happen to be married to a former president and that got me a job some several years ago as a spokeswoman for the Isuzu company.
Yeah, that's the ticket.
Some have suggested that I have exaggerated my resume, that I don't always tell the exact truth.
Those people are the spawn of Satan. They torture puppies and litter and their middle name is Hussein. They criticize me because they are sexist pigs who hate women. If I wasn't a woman, this wouldn't be happening to me.
And, at my age, you know what I'm NOT talking about.
Back in 'Nam, when we were fighting Charlie, and my opponent was learning how to make suicide vests at his Muslim school, I dreamed of a day when I could provide health care and day care for the whole country. A day when the daughter of extremely wealthy Republicans from Chicago could be the Democratic first lady of Arkansas, on the way to Washington, on the way to New York, on the way back to Washington.
I dreamed of the day when someone like me yes, a woman, would finally be free to stand before America and say: Look at him, he's black!
Kind of.
Fellow Democrats, I want to be your candidate. I want to be the one who asks John McCain the hard questions.
Like: John McCain, what's that bump growing out of the side your head?
Or: John McCain, why do you let your wife hog all the family's plastic surgery budget?
Or: John McCain, if you were really a prisoner of war in Paris Hilton, why don't I remember you?
As I said shortly after performing the first heart transplant, I was born to lead.
At least, that's what the wise men said when they brought me gold, frankincense and myrrh.
I'm Hillary Clinton, and I approve this message.
And I want to ask for you vote, and remind you that we live in a world where people should not be held back by who they are or what color they are.
![Resized_20201202_074917[17299] copy.jpg](/xf/data/xfmg/thumbnail/2/2365-e38d85713d6a590adbea278cb5f0de7b.jpg?1610494219)
