Close calls....

1911 · Aug 28, 2014

What is the closest you have come to sharting yourself or just flat out crapping your britches? I have had some real nail biters racing the clock and always beat it. Some may have cheated the clock by pinching a bit between their check and bum. I'm not talking about in the hills where only you and the bears know. I am talking at church, school, work, ect., where it would be widely unordinary to have toxic spillage. The reason I ask is we have all at least raced the clock, and I had one of the guys in work with race the clock and lose recently. It resulted in a full on go home submersed Decon operation to clear the foul. Fess up.... Took me two weeks to stop laughing.

bullskin · Aug 28, 2014

For me, I was running the track at my high school when it came on hard. I made it only fifty yards to the nearest pine tree before go time. Thank God no one else was around.

The question brings back happy memories of college where we learned that phenolphthalein (acid/base indicator and active ingredient in Visene) does a lot more than get the "red" out. A buddy and I took a dropper bottle from Chem lab and put a few drops in our roommate's drink. The change in his expression from calm to alarmed was nearly instantaneous. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone as I have no idea how much would be necessary to harm someone, but this never occurred to us geniuses at the time.

elkassassin · Aug 28, 2014

Hey 1911?

Lil Red Tells me She's Perty Sure She knows what has happened when you come Home with only one Sock or No Socks!

But the Time You Showed up Home with No Boxers,Well She's still wondering about that one!

[font color="red"]From My Smokin Cherry Red Hot Barrel & My Dead Cold Hands I Shall go down Fighting for American Pride & Rights!
I Know I'm Out Numbered by Pusssies & Brainwashed Democrats that'll Throw Their Hands in the air & I know I can't Lick the U.S. Military by Myself when they Turn on us but I'll make
you one Guarantee,They'll be Enduring a Situation where I Hope to Hell All Americans become True Americans once again & Stand up for their Rights!

Feleno · Aug 29, 2014

I did it just 2 weeks ago. Was on the road to scout our elk area. Was along a major highway going through the hills. I had gas all morning, thought I was squeezing out another one. Wrong. It was a big shart! No where good to pull off away from the road. Pulled over on the shoulder, walked around the side of the truck as cars were passing by either direction. Grabbed an old rag from the tool box and cleaned up as best I could. The pants came off and the undies were left on the side of the road with the rag. What a mess!!!

elkassassin · Aug 29, 2014

>I did it just 2 weeks
>ago. Was on the road
>to scout our elk area.
>Was along a major highway
>going through the hills. I
>had gas all morning, thought
>I was squeezing out another
>one. Wrong. It was a
>big shart! No where good
>to pull off away from
>the road. Pulled over on
>the shoulder, walked around the
>side of the truck as
>cars were passing by either
>direction. Grabbed an old rag
>from the tool box and
>cleaned up as best I
>could. The pants came off
>and the undies were left
>on the side of the
>road with the rag. What
>a mess!!!

And now some Poor Bastard/State Employee has to clean what you left up Huh F'er?

JUDAS!

Did you Clue Ms Feleno in on EXACTLY what happened when you walked through the Door with No Pants & Boxers on?

[font color="red"]From My Smokin Cherry Red Hot Barrel & My Dead Cold Hands I Shall go down Fighting for American Pride & Rights!
I Know I'm Out Numbered by Pusssies & Brainwashed Democrats that'll Throw Their Hands in the air & I know I can't Lick the U.S. Military by Myself when they Turn on us but I'll make
you one Guarantee,They'll be Enduring a Situation where I Hope to Hell All Americans become True Americans once again & Stand up for their Rights!

cosmic_cowboy · Aug 29, 2014

You know what they say.... After you turn 50 never waste a HO and don't trust a fart! LOL
CC

John_The_Bastard · Aug 29, 2014

Its part of getting older. Yesterday morning I made up a big jug of orange juice at breakfast and was thirsty.....I drank several glasses thinking I was getting ahead of a day of sweating on a remodel project. I stopped for gas on the way to the lumber yard and realized I had a near immediate problem. I moved along and decided I had some time. It wasn't long til I realized I was wrong. I circled the block to the remodel site and barely squared myself over a 5 gallon bucket in time to save the day and my pants.This morning I have a 5 gallon bucket in the back of my pickup to deal with.I refrain from coffee when traveling and will add orange juice to the list. Things are slow but interesting here on the forum!

DeerHunter1953 · Aug 29, 2014

I once had to go very first thing in the morning on opening day and it was about 5 degrees, cold as all get out I sat down on a tree stump to do my business and had the rifle there. Looked up and three bucks were coming down the path, picked up the rifle and picked out the biggest one and squeezed twice killed two birds with one stone so to speak.

kilowatt · Aug 29, 2014

LAST EDITED ON Aug-29-14 AT 02:45PM (MST)[p]The closest mishap was back in 1967 when I went to a friends house in Saigon for dinner. Having never ate Chicken Curry before and that is what was served that night it went fine. But when it was getting late and I needed to head home, I got a Taxi cab and headed out. Well then the stomach started turning and the guts were cramping up on me, so I told the driver to let me out on a dark street and gave him more money to leave me there alone. He was leaving as I dropped my pants and hung my ass over a wooden fence along the sidewalk and let all hell explode into the flower beds.
What a relief and had to use my shorts for paper....wonder what the gardener thought the next day...LOL
To this day have never ate CURRY and don't care to either. What a burning sensation.

Brian
http://i44.tinypic.com/es7x8z.jpg[/IMG]

264mag · Aug 29, 2014

I was driving and trying to Make it home with my guts hurting and saying to myself please let their be nobody on the crapper,I made it to the drive way and forgot I have a porch to climb and the pinch method did not work to good.

Nodakker · Aug 29, 2014

This is a serious subject fellas. Anyone have ideas for TP when you don't have any? Gotta improvise. Saw someone mentioned using socks. If I'm in the woods I'm thinking I cut the tops off my socks from ankles up only that way I still have socks on my feet at least. Here in AZ there ain't much soft stuff laying around in scrub country anyway. Maybe cut the sleeves off your t-shirt? Still gotta shirt to wear that way. I've had some pretty explosive moments... one being pushing a shelter belt of trees that we knew bucks were in and it just hit me right when we were getting to the deer.. my brother was so pissd. Screwed up the hunt. Felt like I had a stick of butter between my cheeks the rest of the day.

SlinginLead · Aug 29, 2014

Several years back, I was deer hunting in Utardia. After setting up our camp, I decided to cook a prime rib for the
group.
After a huge meal, with untold bottles of merlot, we decided to hit the sack. At about 2:00 in the morning, I am waking up with
severe rumbling and gurgling and virtually no control over the old sphincter muscle. As I was rushing to undo the tent zipper,
I realized I was not going to make it outside. Thank God
I had a large trash bag that I keep my boots in. I dropped the drawers, dumped the boots, squatted, and filled the bag! I blamed it on all the pure horseradish sauce I piled on my prime rib. Not only burned my mouth and throat going down, but burned like hell coming out!
My hunting group still won't let that one go.

1911 · Aug 29, 2014

C'mon bishop. Did you ever crap yer draw'ers during confessional. Speak up. I gave you anti crap thread a +1 count.

sambo3006 · Sep 2, 2014

My closest call was one time at the archery range (alone, thank goodness). It hit me out of nowhere. I had just enough time to run 30 yards to the truck to grab some TP then dash behind the targets. My trousers had barely cleared the blast zone when I involuntarily shot a liquid stream a good six feet back behind me.From the time I felt the first gurgle until that baby was coming out was 30 seconds at most. That would have really sucked in heavy traffic or at your wedding.

NRA Life Member

Lefties are the only ones in their right minds--and I ain't talkin' politics!

feddoc · Sep 2, 2014

LAST EDITED ON Sep-02-14 AT 08:34PM (MST)[p]Come on, guys, educate your anal sphincters muscles. They are the chemists of your body and *should* be able to tell the difference, at a moment's notice, the difference between a liquid, a solid and a gas. MAN 101 stuff.

http://stmarksfoundation.org/uploads/docs/patientinformationleaflets/SM07-05 Anal leakage.pdf