With a job change recently and an ailing computer the last few months I haven't had much time to follow the happenings at the Campfire but being close to Christmas I thought I'd bring back some touching, tear-jerking poetry from the past.
A Utard Christmas
?Twas the night before Christmas, in my Utard house
With six whining kids, and an underage spouse.
The deer heads were hung, and all were illegal
Gut shot at night, and tracked by a beagle.
The guns were nestled, in the cab of the truck
With visions of big antlers, on a milk-lipped buck.
A trophy?s not likely, ask the DWR
Backed by the SFW, and its pocket-lined czar.
Now Mamma?s in camo, and me in overalls
I yelled at the youngens, ?let's go huntin? ya?lls?.
When all of a sudden, came a knock at the door
I climbed of?f the Mrs., and I hit the floor.
I crawled to the window, through the filth and trash
Was it my fifth wife, looking for cash?
Or maybe the hottie, from the peep show
She cares not I'm married, I'm Mormon you know.
Through the glow of the spotlights, filling the night
I could see Warden Kringle, I was in for a fight.
With yells and curses, his anger came
He swore and hollered, and called us by name.
?Come out Bubba!, now Junior!, now Ethel and Cooter!
On Darell! on Lulu! on Stella and Scooter!?
There were feds on the porch, on top of the wall
Even Claude Dallas, couldn't save us all.
When up to the trailer top, the warden flew
The size of Dumbo, fattened by brew.
He was immense, his desk job to blame
The donuts and chips, he ate without shame.
Then came a thump, up on our shack
I knew the big guy, was flat on his back.
The roof buckled and sagged, under his weight
Then he crashed to the floor, and sealed his fate.
His cold eyes bugged out, with bloody veins
The silver badge, tarnished by mustard stains.
His diet had killed him, or maybe the fall
This fat Barney Fife, had made his last call.
We circled around him, and started to stare
When Junior chimed in, ?No ground shrinkage there?.
Through the front door, the others came
All pointing fingers, at who's to blame.
With the outcome of us ?Tards, tied up in court
This Bubba and family, still night huntin? for sport.
We had a nice Christmas, with deer o?plenty
Mamma shot twelve, and I shot twenty.
Now the fridge has no beer, not a drop in sight
But in spite of it all, to all a good night!
-
-
-
Twas the night before Christmas in MM Land,
I'm home all alone, just me and my hand.
Just to be clear, its a mouse in my grip,
I'm at the keyboard, read to quip.
Some members are huddled, around a fire tonight,
With visions of antlers, in their sites.
When the sun goes down, they'll hit the road,
In hopes of finding, that record book toad.
When back in the outhouse, there arose such a clatter,
It was just Bucksnort, he'd gotten the splatters.
The brew and bear meat, had him ill,
He was bloated and leaking, against his will.
The moon was now bright, on a blanket of snow,
They?d leave without him, it was time to go.
To everyone?s surprise, but who should appear,
It was Kilo and Eel, the seniors were here.
With little old men, so slow and frail,
The others knew, this hunt might fail.
But one by one, they appeared without shame,
Beanman farted & hollared, and called them by name!
"Now Founder!, now Rugburn!, Roy and ShowCat!
On Zeker!, on Boz! on TAG and Catch.
There were 6 in the cab and 8 on hood,
Crammed in the bed, dozens stood.
They had lights on their guns, the hunt was on,
They?d road shoot animals, from now till dawn.
There were turtles to kill, and elk and deer,
Everything out there, should live in fear.
When the sun came up, they were back at the club house,
Known only to members, but nary a spouse.
This place we don't speak of, its on the down low,
It has a password, its secret you know.
The warden showed up, somehow he knew,
With a mouthful of donuts, and a hot cup of brew.
He was a man with an ego, surly and husky,
He?d go after these boys, just like Sandusky.
He spoke few words, and went straight to work,
With the trail of brass, he knew where to lurk.
?I have a hunch, I'll play the race card,
The shooters in question, must be Utard.?
In the fresh white snow, a clue they did leave,
Written in urine, was ?in Joe Smith we believe?.
The writer and ink, were not one in the same,
Which led him to believe, at least two were to blame.
1911 showed up, in his bashed in ride,
He?d been called out, from his double wide.
He got out the cuffs, then a stun gun,
Then all the guilty, began to run.
They ran for their trucks, then a voice from afar,
Wiz yelled out, ?Dude where's my car??
It was long gone, like his card from Cabela?s,
The guy ain?t to smart, now is he fellas?
They fled in their belchers, with choking exhaust,
Hoping the lawmen, would soon get lost.
But not far ahead, a road block they'd see,
Doyle and his crew, there was no place to flee.
There would be no jail, a deal was made,
Under the table, there was money layed.
A dirty judge, a greedy Fed,
The face of justice, was crimson red.
It's getting late, and to my aggrevation,
You might guess, its off to the gas station.
I've got to go out, to pick up my wife,
But to all Merry Christmas, to all good night.
Hope you all have a great Christmas and don't get
coal in your stockings.
A Utard Christmas
?Twas the night before Christmas, in my Utard house
With six whining kids, and an underage spouse.
The deer heads were hung, and all were illegal
Gut shot at night, and tracked by a beagle.
The guns were nestled, in the cab of the truck
With visions of big antlers, on a milk-lipped buck.
A trophy?s not likely, ask the DWR
Backed by the SFW, and its pocket-lined czar.
Now Mamma?s in camo, and me in overalls
I yelled at the youngens, ?let's go huntin? ya?lls?.
When all of a sudden, came a knock at the door
I climbed of?f the Mrs., and I hit the floor.
I crawled to the window, through the filth and trash
Was it my fifth wife, looking for cash?
Or maybe the hottie, from the peep show
She cares not I'm married, I'm Mormon you know.
Through the glow of the spotlights, filling the night
I could see Warden Kringle, I was in for a fight.
With yells and curses, his anger came
He swore and hollered, and called us by name.
?Come out Bubba!, now Junior!, now Ethel and Cooter!
On Darell! on Lulu! on Stella and Scooter!?
There were feds on the porch, on top of the wall
Even Claude Dallas, couldn't save us all.
When up to the trailer top, the warden flew
The size of Dumbo, fattened by brew.
He was immense, his desk job to blame
The donuts and chips, he ate without shame.
Then came a thump, up on our shack
I knew the big guy, was flat on his back.
The roof buckled and sagged, under his weight
Then he crashed to the floor, and sealed his fate.
His cold eyes bugged out, with bloody veins
The silver badge, tarnished by mustard stains.
His diet had killed him, or maybe the fall
This fat Barney Fife, had made his last call.
We circled around him, and started to stare
When Junior chimed in, ?No ground shrinkage there?.
Through the front door, the others came
All pointing fingers, at who's to blame.
With the outcome of us ?Tards, tied up in court
This Bubba and family, still night huntin? for sport.
We had a nice Christmas, with deer o?plenty
Mamma shot twelve, and I shot twenty.
Now the fridge has no beer, not a drop in sight
But in spite of it all, to all a good night!
-
-
-
Twas the night before Christmas in MM Land,
I'm home all alone, just me and my hand.
Just to be clear, its a mouse in my grip,
I'm at the keyboard, read to quip.
Some members are huddled, around a fire tonight,
With visions of antlers, in their sites.
When the sun goes down, they'll hit the road,
In hopes of finding, that record book toad.
When back in the outhouse, there arose such a clatter,
It was just Bucksnort, he'd gotten the splatters.
The brew and bear meat, had him ill,
He was bloated and leaking, against his will.
The moon was now bright, on a blanket of snow,
They?d leave without him, it was time to go.
To everyone?s surprise, but who should appear,
It was Kilo and Eel, the seniors were here.
With little old men, so slow and frail,
The others knew, this hunt might fail.
But one by one, they appeared without shame,
Beanman farted & hollared, and called them by name!
"Now Founder!, now Rugburn!, Roy and ShowCat!
On Zeker!, on Boz! on TAG and Catch.
There were 6 in the cab and 8 on hood,
Crammed in the bed, dozens stood.
They had lights on their guns, the hunt was on,
They?d road shoot animals, from now till dawn.
There were turtles to kill, and elk and deer,
Everything out there, should live in fear.
When the sun came up, they were back at the club house,
Known only to members, but nary a spouse.
This place we don't speak of, its on the down low,
It has a password, its secret you know.
The warden showed up, somehow he knew,
With a mouthful of donuts, and a hot cup of brew.
He was a man with an ego, surly and husky,
He?d go after these boys, just like Sandusky.
He spoke few words, and went straight to work,
With the trail of brass, he knew where to lurk.
?I have a hunch, I'll play the race card,
The shooters in question, must be Utard.?
In the fresh white snow, a clue they did leave,
Written in urine, was ?in Joe Smith we believe?.
The writer and ink, were not one in the same,
Which led him to believe, at least two were to blame.
1911 showed up, in his bashed in ride,
He?d been called out, from his double wide.
He got out the cuffs, then a stun gun,
Then all the guilty, began to run.
They ran for their trucks, then a voice from afar,
Wiz yelled out, ?Dude where's my car??
It was long gone, like his card from Cabela?s,
The guy ain?t to smart, now is he fellas?
They fled in their belchers, with choking exhaust,
Hoping the lawmen, would soon get lost.
But not far ahead, a road block they'd see,
Doyle and his crew, there was no place to flee.
There would be no jail, a deal was made,
Under the table, there was money layed.
A dirty judge, a greedy Fed,
The face of justice, was crimson red.
It's getting late, and to my aggrevation,
You might guess, its off to the gas station.
I've got to go out, to pick up my wife,
But to all Merry Christmas, to all good night.
Hope you all have a great Christmas and don't get
coal in your stockings.
![IMG_0901[5474].JPG](/xf/data/xfmg/thumbnail/26/26010-1da05ddea3cfd5f4d07e30cf7efe174e.jpg?1658505755)