Bring back old or new jokes
- Thread starter nebo
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fireball77
Long Time Member
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- 3,057
You might be sorry, I know of one MMer, who kept a fish and game guy up all night telling jokes.
1911
Long Time Member
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- 6,197
A recently retired man, we shall call him Chlorideplick, was sitting on his front porch swing with his wife of 30 years.
After pondering the things of life while eating his breakfast, Chlorideplick throws his plate of breakfast down on the porch, then smacks his wife right off the front porch.
After gathering herself, she looks up at Chlorideplick and exclaims, "what was that for?!"
Chlorideplick says, "that's for 30 years of bad sex!" The wife goes about picking up pieces of broken glass and food from the front porch, then scurries inside of the house.
A few moments later, the wife returns to Chlorideplick still sitting in the front porch swing. Without hesitation, she leans back and with a quick motion drops the smack down on old Chlorideplick by taking a cast iron fry pan to his forehead.
As Chlorideplick lay on the floor nearly knocked cold, he musters the strength to inquire, "what was that for??!!"
The wife said, "that is for knowing the difference."
After pondering the things of life while eating his breakfast, Chlorideplick throws his plate of breakfast down on the porch, then smacks his wife right off the front porch.
After gathering herself, she looks up at Chlorideplick and exclaims, "what was that for?!"
Chlorideplick says, "that's for 30 years of bad sex!" The wife goes about picking up pieces of broken glass and food from the front porch, then scurries inside of the house.
A few moments later, the wife returns to Chlorideplick still sitting in the front porch swing. Without hesitation, she leans back and with a quick motion drops the smack down on old Chlorideplick by taking a cast iron fry pan to his forehead.
As Chlorideplick lay on the floor nearly knocked cold, he musters the strength to inquire, "what was that for??!!"
The wife said, "that is for knowing the difference."
K
krp
Guest
A Ute police officer pulled up to the scene of an accident. A pickup truck had been rolled and was in a ditch. He gets out his note pad and starts writing.
Truck, found in ditch.
Looks around and writes.
Woman dead, found in ditch.
Looks some more and writes.
2 men dead, found in ditch.
starts across the highway and see's a head and writes.
Head, found in meedeum, oops, scratches it out. Head found in midiem, oops, scratches it out. Head found in Medi... Ahh screw it.
Kicks the head across the highway and writes.
Head, found in ditch.
Truck, found in ditch.
Looks around and writes.
Woman dead, found in ditch.
Looks some more and writes.
2 men dead, found in ditch.
starts across the highway and see's a head and writes.
Head, found in meedeum, oops, scratches it out. Head found in midiem, oops, scratches it out. Head found in Medi... Ahh screw it.
Kicks the head across the highway and writes.
Head, found in ditch.
K
krp
Guest
A Navajo woman comes up to a Ute officer at the scene of an accident.
Could be my husband in the accident, she tells him.
"Is that his truck"? he asks pointing at the tangled mess.
"Look just like it, but it's hard to tell".
The officer looks around and finds a torn up shirt, asks "Is this his shirt"?
"Look just like it, but it's hard to tell".
The officer finds some pants and asks,"Are these his pants"?
"Look just like'm, but it's hard to tell".
The officer looks in the ditch and comes out holding a head. Raising it up he asks,"Is this your husband"?
Relief came over her face and she said," Look just like him, but he not that tall".
Could be my husband in the accident, she tells him.
"Is that his truck"? he asks pointing at the tangled mess.
"Look just like it, but it's hard to tell".
The officer looks around and finds a torn up shirt, asks "Is this his shirt"?
"Look just like it, but it's hard to tell".
The officer finds some pants and asks,"Are these his pants"?
"Look just like'm, but it's hard to tell".
The officer looks in the ditch and comes out holding a head. Raising it up he asks,"Is this your husband"?
Relief came over her face and she said," Look just like him, but he not that tall".
K
krp
Guest
Val and his brother Delbert went down to the auction and each bought a pig, they brought them home and put'em in the pen.
Delbert's leaning on the fence and asks,"How are we going to be able to tell who's is who's.
Val said, "I'll tell you what, give me your knife and I'll cut a nick in my pigs ear". and solved the problem.
Next morning they go out and the pigs had got into a fight, both now had nicks all in their ears. Delbert says, "What the heck are we going to do now"?
Val said," I'll tell you what, give me that knife again", and cuts the end of his pigs tail off.
Next morning, same thing, big pig fight, both pigs are missing their tails. Delbert says, "What the heck can we do now"?
Val said, "I'll tell you what, you take the white one and I'll take the black one".
Delbert's leaning on the fence and asks,"How are we going to be able to tell who's is who's.
Val said, "I'll tell you what, give me your knife and I'll cut a nick in my pigs ear". and solved the problem.
Next morning they go out and the pigs had got into a fight, both now had nicks all in their ears. Delbert says, "What the heck are we going to do now"?
Val said," I'll tell you what, give me that knife again", and cuts the end of his pigs tail off.
Next morning, same thing, big pig fight, both pigs are missing their tails. Delbert says, "What the heck can we do now"?
Val said, "I'll tell you what, you take the white one and I'll take the black one".
K
krp
Guest
Looking at some of the people I know made me think of this.
You might be a Redneck if, you live in a traveltrailer and own a bigscreen TV.
You might be a well-to-do Redneck if, you have two homes, and your first home can pull your second home.
Kent
You might be a Redneck if, you live in a traveltrailer and own a bigscreen TV.
You might be a well-to-do Redneck if, you have two homes, and your first home can pull your second home.
Kent
runamuk
Very Active Member
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- 1,627
A Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends
Over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt
Up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any
Skivvies?', Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and
Says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50.. Go and
Buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball
On the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she,
Too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the
Sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some
Underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.. The wind also takes
Her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where at friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money at
Be able at affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well,
Fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....
Tidy yerself up a bit.>
Over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt
Up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any
Skivvies?', Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and
Says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50.. Go and
Buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball
On the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she,
Too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the
Sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some
Underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.. The wind also takes
Her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where at friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money at
Be able at affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well,
Fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....
Tidy yerself up a bit.>
sageadvice
Long Time Member
- Messages
- 11,849
Guy walks into a bar and before he sits down, he notices that each bar stool has a # on it. He sits in seat # 10 and orders up a Bud with a glass. He can't help but notice that two stools down in #12 is a guy that's passed out with his head laying on the bar. The barkeep comes around to him and shakes his shoulder, telling him that he can't sleep here, he either needs to order another drink or go home. This rouses the drunk back up to a somewhat vertical position where from he asks the barkeep if his number had been called yet.
The newcomer was kind of afraid to ask but his curiosity got the best of him so he leaned over and asked the boozer about the numbers. The old drunk shakes his head and says, " Ohhh, it's a hellofa good deal. See those lil numbers on each sheat? Ever hour they call out a number...and if yer shittin in nat seat, you gets to go in na back and get laaaid!
"No kidding says the new guy?"
"Yes Sir" says the drunk, "I know it trrrue fer fact, my dauuughters number has come up three times in a row"
Joey
The newcomer was kind of afraid to ask but his curiosity got the best of him so he leaned over and asked the boozer about the numbers. The old drunk shakes his head and says, " Ohhh, it's a hellofa good deal. See those lil numbers on each sheat? Ever hour they call out a number...and if yer shittin in nat seat, you gets to go in na back and get laaaid!
"No kidding says the new guy?"
"Yes Sir" says the drunk, "I know it trrrue fer fact, my dauuughters number has come up three times in a row"
Joey
