Biting the hand that feeds you...

Roy · Jan 26, 2012

So we all know it is nice to provide a helping hand to someone every now and then, especially when life gets difficult with unemployment, health issues, legal trouble, etc.

But, at what point does that actually become detrimental to the person you are trying to help?

Where is the line between enabling and helping?

Also, if after you have helped someone like this for a while should you be concerned that maybe their failure to make it after that might partially be your fault because you didn't allow them to gain enough independence earlier on?

Is it ethical to just cut someone off of your assistance cold turkey if they have been dependent on you for an extended period of time?

Thoughts?

_______________________________________
Burnin' up don't know just how far that I can go, soon be home only just 4 downs to go, I can make it I know I can! You broke the boy in me but you won't break the man! I can see a new horizon blazin' on the Mile High. I'll be where the eagle's flyin' higher and higher! Gonna be your man in motion, all I need's my Broncos team take me where my future's lyin' Tim Tebow's Fire! GO BRONCOS!

HOOK 'EM!
_______________________________________

Since I am frequently asked about my religion on this site and others, I have created a profile that explains my beliefs. If you are interested in finding out more about my faith, please visit the link below:

http://mormon.org/me/6RNQ/

never_catch · Jan 26, 2012

Roy, what would Jesus do?? ;-)

Jk dude, IMO cutting a person off like that cold turkey is the ONLY way to get thru to them that you are done helping and their best chance to WAKE UP!! If you don't cut them off cold turkey then they're going to have it in the back of their mind, oh he'll help me again as soon as it gets bad enough again...

You're not doing them any favors until you cut em off!! People like that need a wake up call...

~Z~

msy · Jan 26, 2012

At least wait til they turn 18 before you kick them to the curb.

Roy · Jan 26, 2012

What if they are 53?
______________________________________
Burnin' up don't know just how far that I can go, soon be home only just 4 downs to go, I can make it I know I can! You broke the boy in me but you won't break the man! I can see a new horizon blazin' on the Mile High. I'll be where the eagle's flyin' higher and higher! Gonna be your man in motion, all I need's my Broncos team take me where my future's lyin' Tim Tebow's Fire! GO BRONCOS!

HOOK 'EM!
_______________________________________

Since I am frequently asked about my religion on this site and others, I have created a profile that explains my beliefs. If you are interested in finding out more about my faith, please visit the link below:

http://mormon.org/me/6RNQ/

never_catch · Jan 26, 2012

HomerJ??

~Z~

TAGATTRACTER · Jan 26, 2012

Tough situation Roy but I agree with ~Z~. Time to cut them off. By 53 you have found your course in life.

My older brother has been in and out of prison the last 30 years. He has always had his family to help with bail, lawyers, money on his books in prison etc. We know that we are not helping the situation and have all got together to put an end to the help. He is 52 and will face all future troubles on his own. Good luck.

justr_86 · Jan 26, 2012

Help them help themselves.... If you're doing it for them our they expect you to do it then cut them off. If they are trying to help themselves and appreciate what you're doing keep helping..

nickman · Jan 26, 2012

I have a like situation. I have a good friend that is simply overwhelmed by bad luck. He really tries to get it together, but chit just seems to fall on him all the time.

I continue to help him out when I can.....but I do it because I can and it makes ME feel good to help. Other than financial stuff, I can count on his "blood", if I needed it.

I use the same attitude with kids in the community, with no father figure in the home, elderly people that need help with various things around their home and just whoever I can.

I am now considered "elderly" and I could need help from someone oneday.I doubt you can "bank" doing good, but if I can help, I do.

All that said, I have relatives who continue to enable their kids, to the point of their own financial crisis and I don't think that is right.

I have severed ALL ties with deadbeat nieces and nephews who simply will not get off their asses.

"Fathom the hypocracy of a Government that requires every citizen to prove that they are insured.....but not everyone must prove that they are a citizen"

NVBighorn · Jan 26, 2012

Damn Roy, this is a helluva way for me to find out you're cutting me off. You know I've been down on my luck (since I was 12). You know I came from a broken home and "the man" has it out for me. I'm a victim of circumstance here. I only drink and do drugs to help me cope with this mean world I live in. So does this mean I shouldn't expect my monthly support check from you next Friday? I'm gonna need to borrow a hundred bucks then to get me by 'til I find some means of support.

You're doing great now that you've finished college. Being a Doctor and all you must be pulling in the big money and I'm sure you can spare a little for me. Come on man, I thought we were friends.

You have my age wrong too but I'm not splitting hairs.

If anyone out there would like to trade some food stamps for cash send me a PM. I will have some more February 1st and they won't let me buy cigarettes or booze with them.

;-)

Roy · Jan 26, 2012

Good grief NV - have you been tapping my phone line?? That is almost exactly - WORD FOR WORD - some of the same stuff I am getting from this person. Not even kidding.

I have known for a while what a big manipulator and a con-artist he is and have really distanced myself from the situation for quite a while. Still though, he calls and runs me through the guilt trip. It is all just a part of his hustle though. Sad that he is putting his wife and kid through it too and tries to leverage their suffering for sympathy.
______________________________________
Burnin' up don't know just how far that I can go, soon be home only just 4 downs to go, I can make it I know I can! You broke the boy in me but you won't break the man! I can see a new horizon blazin' on the Mile High. I'll be where the eagle's flyin' higher and higher! Gonna be your man in motion, all I need's my Broncos team take me where my future's lyin' Tim Tebow's Fire! GO BRONCOS!

HOOK 'EM!
_______________________________________

Since I am frequently asked about my religion on this site and others, I have created a profile that explains my beliefs. If you are interested in finding out more about my faith, please visit the link below:

http://mormon.org/me/6RNQ/

Roy · Jan 26, 2012

>HomerJ??
>
>~Z~

Nope - but maybe a distant relative of his!

_______________________________________
Burnin' up don't know just how far that I can go, soon be home only just 4 downs to go, I can make it I know I can! You broke the boy in me but you won't break the man! I can see a new horizon blazin' on the Mile High. I'll be where the eagle's flyin' higher and higher! Gonna be your man in motion, all I need's my Broncos team take me where my future's lyin' Tim Tebow's Fire! GO BRONCOS!

HOOK 'EM!
_______________________________________

Since I am frequently asked about my religion on this site and others, I have created a profile that explains my beliefs. If you are interested in finding out more about my faith, please visit the link below:

http://mormon.org/me/6RNQ/

DeerMadness · Jan 26, 2012

When you help an adult child and they continue to rip you off and never face responsibility. When they continue to destroy their life and health and chances at employment. The only way I can conceive to help is to cut off help to them (tough love) . I still love will all my heart and pray everyday for him.

completesportsman · Jan 26, 2012

Tough situation Roy,
I agree with Justr, you can't help someone that don't want to help themselves. Sad if he's making things difficult for his wife and kid.

justr_86 · Jan 26, 2012

If you loan a friend $20 and never see them again out was probably worth the $20!

LongRangeBangin · Jan 26, 2012

IMO. Sometimes it's better to let them find rock bottom all by themselves. I think helping them stay off the bottom, only is preventing the inevitable. And in the mean time, dragging you down also. But, since you've been helping, I would probably givem the heads up that the money train is about out.....

DeerMadness · Jan 26, 2012

I said I will always be your Dad but the cash teat has dried up.

Roy · Jan 28, 2012

Thanks for all the advice - I would really like to divulge all the details of the situation but it is confidential. Luckily, I haven't provided any of the financial help through my own means so I haven't lost anything but time. I was primarily providing moral support and helping in the job search. He has not worked in over a year and a half and now it is really evident that he doesn't really want to work.

Though I won't say too much more I will say this. he has been receiving living assistance for most of that time but that is about to dry up.

And since this part is public knowledge I will say this too. Back in October he chose to move out of the duplex he was living in before the lease was up because he couldn't get a long with his neighbors. He gave notice and they found someone else to move in so he had to get out and he hadn't found a place he could afford as he was basically living on the assistance and his wife's not quite full time job. He was not providing for himself.

At that time, the assistance was cut in half to just $500/ month. As providence would have it, I have another friend that was trying to sell her house and for tax purposes needed to have a tenant in it right away and was only asking $500/month rent with no deposit and only a 3 month lease with the option to stay month to month until the house sold. So, I suggested it to him.

He had the choice to find a more expensive place with a long term lease and use the assistance he was receiving to pay for part and find a way to come up with the rest on his own or just move in to my friend's house for 3 months until he could find work and a new place.

Now, the 3 months are up, the house is being sold, and because of his rudeness and unwillingness to help and open the home to inspectors and appraisers, he is being evicted. He has not found work and is looking at being out on the street. I feel bad for him but there isn't much more I can do for him. He is now blaming me for "forcing" him to live where he is and is upset that I can't do more for him. He is playing the victim/race card and it isn't working and is taking his anger out on me. I have never seen a grown man act more like a spoiled-rotten two-year old brat than this.

_______________________________________
Burnin' up don't know just how far that I can go, soon be home only just 4 downs to go, I can make it I know I can! You broke the boy in me but you won't break the man! I can see a new horizon blazin' on the Mile High. I'll be where the eagle's flyin' higher and higher! Gonna be your man in motion, all I need's my Broncos team take me where my future's lyin' Tim Tebow's Fire! GO BRONCOS!

HOOK 'EM!
_______________________________________

Since I am frequently asked about my religion on this site and others, I have created a profile that explains my beliefs. If you are interested in finding out more about my faith, please visit the link below:

http://mormon.org/me/6RNQ/

huntindad4 · Jan 28, 2012

Lots of great advice above and I will add that he now needs his azz whooped, to treat you the way he is after you and others have helped so much.

You can keep that confidential as well, just use a ski mask and make sure you win so he doesn't unmask you! Maybe soap in a sock?

Bill

Kill the buck that makes YOU happy!