Best gas storys

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gilamonster8

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LAST EDITED ON Oct-30-07 AT 09:24PM (MST)[p]I have two that make me laugh to this day. Both were a long time ago. The 1st one took place the math class, the homecoming quenn sneezed and farted at the same time. Me and 2 buddys were sent home for the day cuz we couldnt quit laughing. The Next one, me and a friend went to a movie. During to movie my bud cut loose with a very loud one. He stands up and says GD lady, (sitting next to him) and walks off. I peed.
 
LAST EDITED ON Oct-30-07 AT 09:52PM (MST)[p]I had to go to Lamaze with my wife when she was pregnant and during those floor breathers this 300 pound soon to be mother cut the loudest fart I'd ever heard. I laughed so hard I had to leave my wife there alone.....oh was she pissed....I'm still laughing to this day.

JB
 
My mom was in a softball meeting once w/a woman who was pregnant. Her teenage daughter was sitting beside her. The woman let one slip and her daughter said, quite loudly, "Oh mom! Quit the fartin'!" LOL

My little bro once farted during the Thanksgiving prayer. We were all giggling until my dad kicked his a@@. Lessons learned.

Another time in high school one of the cute and seemingly snobby girls ripped a huge one in a class one day. She is still known as "Powerhouse" to this day.

Ask Roy about his special lawnmower fart. That's a great story. lol

Jenn
 
My mother in-law who is getting up there in age has arthritis in both knees so getting out of the car is a big ordeal. I guess it is the strain, but every time she gets out of a vehicle she lets a big one. Everyone tries to pretend it didn't happen but me. I laugh my butt off.
 
I had a hunter a few years ago that farted constantly, and I mean wet farts. I jokingly told him if he wasn't careful he would fill his shorts with Antimony 'pudding'. He didn't listen, one day we were set up and had two bulls bugling at us, with one coming in that sounded big. "Bob" rips a big ol gut bomb and all of a sudden gets this weird look on his face, I asked if he crapped his pants and he said he wasn't sure, he stood up and ripped another one, looked over at me and took of for the bushes. He dug a hole and left his underbritches on the mountain. Needless to say, the bull didn't come in. I have never laughed so hard while ticked off at the same time in my life.

PRO
 
I love to fart.
It's one of life's great pleasures.
There is nothing that feels better than a beeg 'ole flutterblaster.
I can't understand why people get so uptight when a person lets go.
I have walked through grocery stores crop dusting 'an giggling to myself at the people caught in the wake.
An SBD on a crouded elevator is just plain hilarious!
It is truely a natural thing.
Everyone does it.
I say just give in to the moment 'an enjoy.
The skill, however, is learning when to cut it off.
PRO's client was obviously a rank amature just trying to impress his guide, it sounds like the humidity was just all wrong 'an he had no business turning loose.

This is on a gravestone...
"let the wind blow free where 'air you may be, 'twas the want of a fart that killed me!"
 
I had a friend growing up named Scott, he was nuts! He looked kind of like Alfred E. Newman, really skinny with giant ears. He just looked funny, you could just look at him and laugh.

Anyway, we went to church one sunday with his family, we were probably 10 or 12. We were sitting towards the front of the church on these metal folding chairs and he starts giggling in the middle of the Lords Prayer, I look over and he takes his hands and grips the chair while pulling himself down tight on the folding chair. He proceeds to rip the loudest fart I have ever heard and it seemed like it echoed off that old metal chair. This old guy behind us starts to laugh, the preacher couldnt finish the prayer and I am looking for something to crawl under. Funniest damn thing I have ever seen! I thought that it couldnt get any better when all of the sudden his mom grabs him by his big ass ears and literally drags him out of church. By this time everybody is howling in the congregation. I will never forget that as long as I live


dan-henderson_wanderlei-silva.gif
 
>I love to fart.
>It's one of life's great pleasures.
>
>There is nothing that feels better
>than a beeg 'ole flutterblaster.
>
>I can't understand why people get
>so uptight when a person
>lets go.
>I have walked through grocery stores
>crop dusting 'an giggling to
>myself at the people caught
>in the wake.
>An SBD on a crouded elevator
>is just plain hilarious!
>It is truely a natural thing.
>
>Everyone does it.
>I say just give in to
>the moment 'an enjoy.
>The skill, however, is learning when
>to cut it off.
>PRO's client was obviously a rank
>amature just trying to impress
>his guide, it sounds like
>the humidity was just all
>wrong 'an he had no
>business turning loose.
>
>This is on a gravestone...
>"let the wind blow free where
>'air you may be, 'twas
>the want of a fart
>that killed me!"


Dude, that's just wrong. You need some serious help.....I thought I was the only one who thought like that. LOL
 
LAST EDITED ON Oct-31-07 AT 00:01AM (MST)[p]We have two boys; the oldest is 24 and was born 3 months early...as part of that premature birth, he has ad 13 major surgeries...while he was recovering from the last one, we (in laws and wife) were relaxing in his room. I got up to go poo and it wasn't a quiet one. I kept trying to let it go silently, but they started laughing. Anyway, it stunk really, really bad. Even before I walked out they were yelling...'spray, spray'. I went to the nurses station and asked for some room deodorizer
"because my wife just stunk up the bathroom"
 
What about in High School when you know you gotta go so you sink down low in your chair, sort of extend your legs, hoping your cheeks will cooperate so you can let out nothing but air. As it gets going you realize it might get out of hand and you slowly try and slow the flow, and then get that squeaking noise like in the "Dumb and Dumber" bathroom scene.
 
I grew up raising cattle, on horseback plenty, so a fart in almost any situation never really bothered me......until I joined the Navy.

I worked for the "Leading Chief"...he is the senior enlisted man in the squadron, also an E9. Anyway, I am like totally in awe of this guy who had 30 something years in the Navy and who could make a LTJG wet his pants with a simple stare.....I thought he was God. So did he.

So, one day we had to drive somewhere and he wanted to stop at Sears. He tells me to wait and watch. He goes directly to the womens department, walks past a crowded sale table, launches a world class SBD and goes 50 feet away and leans on a pole and watches all these women gag. He laughs his ass off....so do I. Come to find out it is one of his favorite pastimes and he loved it.

My wife gets so pissed at me, she will hardly take me shoppin'
 
I like farting on Planes!!
one time last summer I rolled out the mower and I farted very loud and long (could have knock over a plow cow) and I look around to see if any one was around and a cross the street was an old Indian lady about 70 and she way staring at me only to see her squat and fart louder and longer than me all the time keep a straight face!
I felt like I lost the war!!
rm
 
ever have a hormel chile fart off at deer camp!!
just like Blazin Saddles...
just eat as much chile beans as you can stand the drink as much beer as you can, it will happen.. the bad is the 2 o'clock bends you get.. just make sure you have your flash light and shovel and TP near!
rm
 
I friend of mine was at the local bar w/ his brother and a friend. my friend said that he tried to let out one of those quiet ones, but ended up ripping a long clap, clap, clap, clap.

in my early relationship w/ my wife before we got married, leaned alittle to far to give her a kiss and accidently let out of those screetchy brakes sounding ones. after 9 years she still reminds me from time to time.
 
The "lawnmower" fart as TTK has mentioned happened when I was 10 and it was very embarassing at the time. We were in a "Gifted and Talented" class and we had to do this skit where some kid had to act like a lawnmower than didn't work, and I had to act like I was pulling the cord, so, acting the part as best I could I pulled that rip-cord as hard as I could and yep - let one rip in front of the whole class. Everyone laughed, but none so hard as Jenn. As long as she got some amusement out of it.

One of the best though was during a wrestling match in High School. I was wrestling this kid from Delta - a real jerk too - and he was beating my ass badly, had me in a position where I was in trouble and his face was just a few inches from my butt and I let a real soft SBD go - and a few seconds later I hear this "Good God!" and he let me go so I reversed him and pinned him. The funny thing was that it was the ref that said "Good God" - he couldn't stop laughing as he was holding up my hand - - the other kid wouldn't look me sqaure in the eyes and just kept shaking his head as he walked off the mat.


UTROY
Proverbs 21:19 (why I hunt!)
 
My wife just told me about one of the funniest farts I have ever heard of.

She works at a world-wide missionary organization and there are people from all over the world. Her boss is this very proper English gentleman. Just as nice as can be and the thickest english accent immaginable. She was following him down a narrow hallway when he rips one he turned around and noticed my wife and very properly says "That was unfortunate." As my wife was relating the story to me we both almost died laughing.

Its fair chase, or its foul!
 
Ok, I have to share this even though it's one of my most embarrising moments ever.

I'm divorced and have kinda been seeing this gal for a short time. She has this huge bull mastif dog and my daughters who are 6 and 9 have been wanting to see him so i took them over. My oldest daughter asked her if the dog sleeps with her. She replied that no because the dog snores and farts. My daughter replied "you should see my dad". I think i turned a little red.
 
Well back in collage me and my buddy were sitting next to this pretty little gal that he had a crush on. We were just sitting there talking waiting for the profesor to show up. Well I got the urge and lost all sence of time and place. Next thing I know I got my but lifted just high enough out of the plastic seet to get a good echo and let one rip. It was loud, really loud, I mean when I looked up everyone in the class including the cute litte gal was looking back at us. Upon seeing this I calmly turned to my buddy and said Da? Jake. Well he turned 12 shades of red and I was off the hook, at least until class was over and he got ahold of me.
 
Ok this one isnt about gas it has more meat to it. My bro and his buddy have bow elk tags here in az. All three of are going to an area where we been seeing a big bull. On the way there the friend needs go. He does his biz. We all were in a hurry cuz the bull was just screemin. Well bros buddy gets a shot at this bull but missed. So we work our way back together. AS we are chating about the bull my bro sees something on his buddys face and asked him what it was, he didnt know and went to wipe it off and got more on himself. The dumbarse had drug his releise throu his own poo. Bro and i laughed so hard every elk on the mt headed for N.Mex
 
Thanks for all the laughs guys! This is too funny!!!

Mine was when I was in High School. I was a senior and we were in a Seminary class. The teacher was telling us about back in the day of Indian Leg Wrestling. You have two people lay on their backs and lift their leg 3 times and on the third time you grab each others leg with that leg and try to roll the other guy over backwards (I hope this makes sense) well, we moved all the chairs out of the middle of the class and everyone moved over to watch. The teacher picked me and another kid to do show how to do this. Well, we lifted our legs 3 times and then I put a LOT of effort into when we hooked legs.......well......with my butt pointed straight up...I let the lousest fart I have ever let right up into the faces of the 20 class mates looking on...............WHOOPS!!!!!!!!!!
 
I used to hunt Idaho every year with the same bunch of guys. We had a nice big wall tent. One year I carved a wooden sign "NO FARTING" and hung it up in the tent the next season. Well, a NO FARTING sign is like an engraved invitation!

Rrrrrrrriiipppp! "Hey, can't you read the &*$#@ sign, you %*&$??????"

Fart and laugh all night long!

Eel
 
LAST EDITED ON Oct-31-07 AT 09:27PM (MST)[p]It was pretty funny in boot camp when fully half of the guys in there had never heard of a "blue flame contest"....went on all night.....looked like a lightening storm in there for at least three nights.

WARNING: do not attempt to ignight a fart without your underwear on.
 
LAST EDITED ON Oct-31-07 AT 10:58PM (MST)[p]>LAST EDITED ON Oct-31-07
>AT 09:27?PM (MST)
>
>It was pretty funny in boot
>camp when fully half of
>the guys in there had
>never heard of a "blue
>flame contest"....went on all night.....looked
>like a lightening storm in
>there for at least three
>nights.
>
>WARNING: do not attempt to ignight
>a fart without your underwear
>on.

Now you have done it. You can put that WARNING up . I know there will be some story on the net by morning about some UTARD that tried it.
 
> He goes directly
>to the womens department, walks
>past a crowded sale table,
>launches a world class SBD
>and goes 50 feet away
>and leans on a pole
>and watches all these women
>gag.

Ugh! There is nothing worse than walking through "The Fart Wall" in any store. You guys are GROSS! lol
 
LAST EDITED ON Nov-01-07 AT 11:05PM (MST)[p]I have gas, alot of it, in fact right now i'm farting.

But to one of the funniest times when one has caused a scene.

My dad was retiring from the air force after 27 years as a helicopter pilot, and ROTC instructor. His proud wife, and 6 kids and their families,sitting front row. The Generals, and their wives behind us, then all the cadets of Washington State Unniversity. Maybe it was something i ate, maybe i didn't like the look one of the generals gave me, but i sneaked this big ole nasty smelling thing, ever so quietly out, and just waited, i knew it was gonna happen!!!!
First one to cough was the generals wife,and for the next 10 minutes i had to act like the smell had come from some where else. With out laughing.....I'm a sick man, no really i'm sick.


Dont ask me about the grosses gas, I work in a hospital where it doesn't get any nastier.
 
Sorry....got caught up working....You know there are so many stories about this that i could tell you. My head is in the general area of some ones farts at least once a week. Not cool.

But the story that stands out right now in my mind is the 78 yr old man that i was taking back to his room after an x ray. He informs me that he's going to just go into the bathroom, instead of getting straight into his bed. I'm thinking good idea. Well the exertion of getting him self up out of the chair gets the gas moving, and its just putting on out, at which point the pitch of the fart changes,and the little splatter noises tell me it is no longer a fart. Well this man didn't even act like he heared the fart, or felt the change there after. What do you do? I just went and informed his nurse that he no longer needed to go to the bathroom.
 
They can be bad, but when i drop one here or there i just blame it on the patients...
 
One morning at work I get out of the truck and let one loose. My boss says "That was week. Here's one for ya". He grimaces and proceeds to push out one that ended with a wet plop sound. The look on his face was priceless. He tried to get away with it until he turned around. The problem was he was wearing really thin breathable pants and you could see a big brown blob!
 
This is hilarious. My best one was stealth. I have totally perfected it. We were at some friends house for dinner. I had a rare steak and a few glasses of whiskey on the rocks. My wife hates the results of the combination of those two. Any way, after dinner I'm sitting on our friends new couch and let one rip. I was very disappointed by the results. After a while, I got up to go help my buddy with something. We come back in, my wife was sitting on the opposite end of the couch that I was sitting on when I let one rip. His wife plops down right where I was sitting 20 minutes earlier. My wife looks at her in disgust and she can't talk because she is embarrassed that my wife thinks that foul odor is her.I realized right away what happened. The cushion soaked up the rotten smell, and by sitting down she pushed the air out of the cushion, which held one of my infamous rare steak/whiskey farts. I have perfected this stealth technique. It works really well in the seat of my truck.
 
Well one time my wife and I were at the Roseville auction. we were browsing around the tables and had become separated. No one was at the table I was at, so I cut loose with a silent but deadly. It was one of those very hot, very still days, so I decided to leave it right there. About the time I started to leave my wife and a rather large hairy biker lookin dude converged on the table. I'm about 20 feet away just looking to see what happens next. They both caught the scent about the same time and exchanged looks of disgust. My wife see's me and heads my direction. She starts to tell me about the foul odor that the other dude just shared with her. I started to laugh and she says, "What is so funny?" I told her and she slugs me and says "That guy thinks I just farted, and I thought he just farted!" "You're a pig!"

Its fair chase, or its foul!
 

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