Anyone have some good jokes?
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never_catch
Long Time Member
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Do you know what 6.9 is??
A really good thing screwed up by a period!!
That's all I got...
~Z~
A really good thing screwed up by a period!!
That's all I got...
~Z~
smitty
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LAST EDITED ON Jan-29-12 AT 11:25PM (MST)[p]I got one that I heard on the radio today, it's kinda lengthy......
Guy goes into the doctor, "Doc I got a problem! Every morning my wife wants to have sex, then I jump in the carpool and the gal in there wants to have sex on the way to work, once I get to work, there's this little hotty intern that wants to bang on the copier, then I take my secretary to lunch and she wants it as well. Next thing I know, my boss's wife shows up and she wants to hump on his desk, well by now it's 4 o'clock, jump back in the carpool, well she's ready for round 2. Finally get home, my wife's gone shopping so I bang the maid on the counter, have dinner then my wife wants it before we go to bed!"
Doc says "well what's the problem?"
It hurts when I masturbate!
Guy goes into the doctor, "Doc I got a problem! Every morning my wife wants to have sex, then I jump in the carpool and the gal in there wants to have sex on the way to work, once I get to work, there's this little hotty intern that wants to bang on the copier, then I take my secretary to lunch and she wants it as well. Next thing I know, my boss's wife shows up and she wants to hump on his desk, well by now it's 4 o'clock, jump back in the carpool, well she's ready for round 2. Finally get home, my wife's gone shopping so I bang the maid on the counter, have dinner then my wife wants it before we go to bed!"
Doc says "well what's the problem?"
It hurts when I masturbate!
This game warden was out on patrol one night looking for bear and mountain lion poachers. He was back in the sticks as they say, where the hunting was the best but where few went. Just before sunset he came to a secluded lake and spied a guy carrying two buckets of water towards an old logging shack. He approached the fellow, identified himself and asked about the two water filled buckets the warden could now see captained lots of fish. The fellow said he was a hermit and hadn't seen many people, but every once and while heard gun shots. The ranger asked for his fishing license and guy replied he didn't have one. The warden informed him he would be receiving a ticket for fishing without a license. The hermit insisted he had not caught these fish, they were his pet fish. The hermit said he had lived there so long that he had trained these fish. They swim around all day and at sunset I call them back, collect them in the buckets so the night predators cant get them, and release them again in the morning right as the insect hatch hits. The warden has never heard such a tale. The hermits insists he show the warden how he calls to his fish and how they listen and react to him. They walk to the lakes edge and the hermit puts the buckets into the lake, whistling and humming this weird tune. The fish seem to just wander around for awhile and then submerge completely when the guy stops whistling and humming. A few seconds go by and the hermits walks outta the water and stands next to the warden, holding his buckets by his side, looking out into the water. The warden waits a bit before asking the hermit to call them back. Call who back the hermit asks. The fish the warden says. What fish........
-Sig
Find 'em. Learn 'em. Shoot 'em. Eat 'em.
-Sig
Find 'em. Learn 'em. Shoot 'em. Eat 'em.
LAST EDITED ON Jan-30-12 AT 05:56AM (MST)[p]Do you know what 71 is???? You give me one and I'll owe you.....
Do you know why Miss Piggy can only count to 68???? Everytime she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat....
Government doesn't fix anything and has spent trillions proving it!!!
Let's face it...After Monday and Tuesday, even the calender says WTF!
Do you know why Miss Piggy can only count to 68???? Everytime she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat....
Government doesn't fix anything and has spent trillions proving it!!!
Let's face it...After Monday and Tuesday, even the calender says WTF!
Longbow6360
Active Member
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My wife ask me to go get some pills that would help me get an erection. So I went and got her some diet pills.
For long distance dial 1-800-338-EDGE
For long distance dial 1-800-338-EDGE
kawboy
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Guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
Bar tender gets upset and says you cant bring those in here.
Guy replies that he only wants a couple beers.
Bartender says... Ok, but don't be starting anything.
I'll tell you who it was . . . it was that D@MN Sasquatch!
Bar tender gets upset and says you cant bring those in here.
Guy replies that he only wants a couple beers.
Bartender says... Ok, but don't be starting anything.
I'll tell you who it was . . . it was that D@MN Sasquatch!
Some of my favorites... :7
Q: Who is bigger, Mr Bigger or Mr Bigger's baby?
A: Mr Bigger's baby... he's just a little bigger!
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead!
Q: Why was the boy crying?
A: Because he had a frog stapled to his face!
Q: Why did the pig cross the road?
A: To get to your house...
(Knock Knock)
Who's there?
The Pig!
"A man can be hard to find in the mountains, but you're welcome at my fire anytime."
Q: Who is bigger, Mr Bigger or Mr Bigger's baby?
A: Mr Bigger's baby... he's just a little bigger!
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead!
Q: Why was the boy crying?
A: Because he had a frog stapled to his face!
Q: Why did the pig cross the road?
A: To get to your house...
(Knock Knock)
Who's there?
The Pig!
W
westelkman
Guest
Not bad but not as good as smitty or sigfour's;
Man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is married.. He says, "Yes, I am."
The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife.
The guy says, "Sure," and gets a photo to show them.
The deputy says, "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy replies, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook
Man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is married.. He says, "Yes, I am."
The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife.
The guy says, "Sure," and gets a photo to show them.
The deputy says, "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy replies, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook
W
westelkman
Guest
Awe, what the heck....here is another just emailed to me
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points
toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost
both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got
enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00
am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at
10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from
8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the
first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points
toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost
both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got
enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00
am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at
10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from
8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the
first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."
never_catch
Long Time Member
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A kindergarten teacher in Detroit asked the kids what sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone stood up and yelled "FREEZE MUTHAFUCKA!!"
I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit...
~Z~
Little Tyrone stood up and yelled "FREEZE MUTHAFUCKA!!"
I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit...
~Z~
HuntinFool
Active Member
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I literally laughed out loud at the last one.
Why did the rubber go flying across the room?
It got pissed off.
Why did the rubber go flying across the room?
It got pissed off.
never_catch
Long Time Member
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There had to be at least one good one in here... ;-)
~Z~
~Z~
Apexmtnman
Active Member
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She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Apexmtnman
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After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!
Apexmtnman
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THE OSTRICH
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right... whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right... whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
DeerMadness
Long Time Member
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Did you hear about the new Gay TV show? It's called "Leave It It's Beaver! ".
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered.
A lady stood up and came forward.
She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "Hi, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.' "
A lady stood up and came forward.
She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "Hi, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.' "
R
RMK_800
Guest
So a man wakes up everymorning and looks in the mirror and by doing so gets an erection. This goes on for years till finally the man decides he better go to his doctor and see what is making this happen. So at arriving at the doctors office the man begins to tell his doc that everytime he looks into the mirror he gets an erection. The doctor looks him over and says "yeah, that makes sense, you look like a p*ssy to me too."
NVPete
Very Active Member
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I think this was posted by someone awhile ago:
How Adam got Eve...heckuva bargain!
Adam was just hanging out in the Garden of Eden,feeling very lonely...
So God asked him,"What's wrong with you Adam?
Adam said,"I don't have anyone to talk to."
God said that he would make Adam a companion, and that it would be called a woman.
God said:
"This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,and when you discover clothing, she will wash and mend it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make,and she will never nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache, and will give her love and passion freely whenever you need it."
Adam then asked God, "What will this beautiful creature cost me?"
God said,"An arm and a leg."
Adam then asked,"What can I get for just a rib?"
And the rest, we all know, is History!!
How Adam got Eve...heckuva bargain!
Adam was just hanging out in the Garden of Eden,feeling very lonely...
So God asked him,"What's wrong with you Adam?
Adam said,"I don't have anyone to talk to."
God said that he would make Adam a companion, and that it would be called a woman.
God said:
"This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,and when you discover clothing, she will wash and mend it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make,and she will never nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache, and will give her love and passion freely whenever you need it."
Adam then asked God, "What will this beautiful creature cost me?"
God said,"An arm and a leg."
Adam then asked,"What can I get for just a rib?"
And the rest, we all know, is History!!
T
TAGATTRACTER
Guest
The other day I took a walk in the park. As I passed a beautiful young woman there was an instant spark between us. She dropped to her knees and then lay in the grass as we made love.
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.
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I thought to myself, this taser was worth every penny.
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I thought to myself, this taser was worth every penny.
CAforkedhorn
Long Time Member
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- 3,529
So there's a salmon swimming in a river and he sees a fly flying overhead and thinks to himself hmmm if that fly drops down, I can jump up and catch that fly for a nice little snack.
So there's a bear next to the stream that sees that salmon and he thinks to himself, hmmm if that fly drops down and that salmon jumps up I'm going to reach out and catch that salmon.
so there's a hunter by the stream that sees that bear and he thinks to himself, hmmm if that fly drops down and that salmon jumps up and that bear reaches out I'll be able to shoot that bear.
So there's a cat by the stream that sees that hunter and he thinks to himself, hmmm if that fly drops down and that salmon jumps up and that bear reaches out and that hunter shoots that bear, I'll be able to jump out and steal the hunter's cheese sandwich.
So.... The fly drops down, the salmon jumps up, the bear reaches out, the hunter shoots the bear and... the cat jumps for the hunter's sandwich, slips and falls into the river.
What is the moral of the story? When the fly drops, the p*ssy gets wet!
So there's a bear next to the stream that sees that salmon and he thinks to himself, hmmm if that fly drops down and that salmon jumps up I'm going to reach out and catch that salmon.
so there's a hunter by the stream that sees that bear and he thinks to himself, hmmm if that fly drops down and that salmon jumps up and that bear reaches out I'll be able to shoot that bear.
So there's a cat by the stream that sees that hunter and he thinks to himself, hmmm if that fly drops down and that salmon jumps up and that bear reaches out and that hunter shoots that bear, I'll be able to jump out and steal the hunter's cheese sandwich.
So.... The fly drops down, the salmon jumps up, the bear reaches out, the hunter shoots the bear and... the cat jumps for the hunter's sandwich, slips and falls into the river.
What is the moral of the story? When the fly drops, the p*ssy gets wet!
